Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
My Deer Story
Since Rick moved out, when I'm clinging to God and asking Him to remind me that He loves me, He sends me a deer. It's a long story, but it's God's way of sending me a little love note. Just something special between He and I. Between the King of the Universe... and me, of all people. Me! Various times throughout the winter, especially during those times that I felt especially rejected or alone, I'd pray for Him to send me a deer and He always sent a magnificent buck. Running through my yard, along the side of the interstate, on the way to a friend's house... deer. Bucks. Beautiful creatures! A few times He sent deer without me asking... but ALWAYS, ALWAYS when I ask for a deer, He sends one.
Yesterday afternoon, with tears in my eyes I prayed and asked God for a deer. I told Him how sorry I am that I had forgotten Him as my first love. I told Him that I wanted Him back. I wanted to be His girl, first and foremost. It wasn't that I wasn't still with God, but that I had gotten distracted. I'd lost my focus. I begged Him to fill the hole in my heart. I asked Him to send a deer.
Last night as I was getting the kids' dinner together, I looked out the kitchen window and in the gravel, beyond the deck there was this baby deer. Just a few days old. The sweetest, most precious little fawn I've ever seen. I ran out on to the deck and started snapping pictures but then it occured to me that my little friend wasn't running away like I thought it should. I threw a rock near it and it didn't budge. Then I was afraid that it was hurt or sick. I called my friends, Jaime and Lisa and they came over immediately, ready to nurse it back to health. Just before they got there I walked closer to it and when I got about 3 feet away it jumped and ran. Poor thing couldn't figure out how to get out of my yard. It was too small to jump the fence. Lisa and Jaime helped shoo it in the right direction and it made it out the front gate, through a neighbor's yard and back into the woods.
I always call Tanya when God sends me a deer. Always. She always reminds me that the big magnificent buck is my King. When I called her and told her that God sent me a fawn instead of a buck this time she said, "Heather. That's YOU! You're that fawn!" She's right. I backed myself into a corner in my walk with God recently and I didn't know how to get out. I didn't want to get out! But I knew I couldn't stay where I was. I was just kinda.... stuck. Last night God sent me friends that weren't going to let me stay trapped. And I know He's doing that in my life. My biggest prayer the past few weeks has been "God, slam doors shut and open windows." Sometimes in life we tend to wander around and suddenly realize that we don't know how to get back to where we're supposed to be, the center of God's will. Whether we land ourselves in the middle of danger or just in the corner of someone's back yard, we're out of place if we're not smack in the center of God's will. We can't receive the nourishment we need. We can't grow. We can't thrive. Sometimes we need friends to shoo us out of the corner. I'm so, so, so very blessed to have friends like that! God has sent so many special people into my life that have ministered to my heart in ways that they don't even know. If you're reading this you're one of those people. And I love you!
Yesterday afternoon, with tears in my eyes I prayed and asked God for a deer. I told Him how sorry I am that I had forgotten Him as my first love. I told Him that I wanted Him back. I wanted to be His girl, first and foremost. It wasn't that I wasn't still with God, but that I had gotten distracted. I'd lost my focus. I begged Him to fill the hole in my heart. I asked Him to send a deer.
Last night as I was getting the kids' dinner together, I looked out the kitchen window and in the gravel, beyond the deck there was this baby deer. Just a few days old. The sweetest, most precious little fawn I've ever seen. I ran out on to the deck and started snapping pictures but then it occured to me that my little friend wasn't running away like I thought it should. I threw a rock near it and it didn't budge. Then I was afraid that it was hurt or sick. I called my friends, Jaime and Lisa and they came over immediately, ready to nurse it back to health. Just before they got there I walked closer to it and when I got about 3 feet away it jumped and ran. Poor thing couldn't figure out how to get out of my yard. It was too small to jump the fence. Lisa and Jaime helped shoo it in the right direction and it made it out the front gate, through a neighbor's yard and back into the woods.
I always call Tanya when God sends me a deer. Always. She always reminds me that the big magnificent buck is my King. When I called her and told her that God sent me a fawn instead of a buck this time she said, "Heather. That's YOU! You're that fawn!" She's right. I backed myself into a corner in my walk with God recently and I didn't know how to get out. I didn't want to get out! But I knew I couldn't stay where I was. I was just kinda.... stuck. Last night God sent me friends that weren't going to let me stay trapped. And I know He's doing that in my life. My biggest prayer the past few weeks has been "God, slam doors shut and open windows." Sometimes in life we tend to wander around and suddenly realize that we don't know how to get back to where we're supposed to be, the center of God's will. Whether we land ourselves in the middle of danger or just in the corner of someone's back yard, we're out of place if we're not smack in the center of God's will. We can't receive the nourishment we need. We can't grow. We can't thrive. Sometimes we need friends to shoo us out of the corner. I'm so, so, so very blessed to have friends like that! God has sent so many special people into my life that have ministered to my heart in ways that they don't even know. If you're reading this you're one of those people. And I love you!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Grown Up
I'm 30 years old. Almost 31. I've been married for ten years and will soon be divorced. I have four children. I have a steady, reliable full-time job.... no, I have a career. I have been to 8 foreign countries. I have raised my four kids on my own for 8 months now. I'm a responsible, dependable, reliable adult. But it wasn't until Monday that I realized... I'm a grown up now.
It hit me like a ton of bricks at around 6:30pm this past Monday. I left work with Riley and Joey in tow, picked up Mira from her after school program, then picked up Maddie from the Sievers' house. We went to Wendy's for a quick dinner and then ran next door to Walmart for "big groceries". I hate "big grocery" nights. Not as much as I used to, tho. I used to have to psyche myself up for days and make critical, detailed advanced preparations for this mission but now it's become old hat, as are many of the once-crisises that I now face head-on every day. Like any other "big grocery" night I placed Maddie in the front of the grocery cart and threatened the older three kids with various promises of pain and torture if they didn't behave. And we went on our way. There was no need to make a list, I knew I needed just about everything so I made my way to the back and worked my way forward.
Somewhere around the baking aisle, my ephiphany happened. I remembered that I had promised to bake chocolate chip scones for a friend and I hadn't thought to check my recipe before heading to the store. So, pushing the cart down the aisle and continuing my threats to the kids, I whipped out my Blackberry and scrolled through the list of ingredients on a recipe website I found. "OK, got everything but the buttermilk and I can make my own buttermilk." That's right. I know how to make buttermilk! Before I could get my phone back in my purse I heard the familiar "ding" and looked down to see that an email was also waiting for me. I love the world of modern technology!!! The email was from my friend Cortney, who coincidently happens to work for her sister who happens to be my realtor. That's right. My realtor. I'm in the process of buying my first home. The email informed me that she would be sending me some local listings for me to look at and she wanted to set up a time to start paperwork. It was at that moment that it began. I caught a glance at myself in the reflection of the door of the frozen foods case and I almsot didn't recognize myself. There, staring back at me, was a grown up. And I honestly, unashamedly liked what I saw. It was like looking into that freezer door reflection I was finally seeing myself... my NEW self for the first time. It wasn't the reflection of a frazzled, worn out, mess of a woman who couldn't tell up from down. It was a woman dressed in a cute denim jacket and khaki dress slacks, with cute brown sandal heels, a matching purse and curly hair in place. The woman in the reflection looked polished and professional. She had four well behaved children with her (one of them being the most angelic little baby girl). She was a great multi-tasker... answering emails, surfing the net, reviewing spelling words and explaining why her kids did NOT need four types of Poptarts to them while getting the groceries she needed. She was a mom and a professional and she looked like she was enjoying her life. She was a grown up.
Of course, all of these thoughts flooded and swirled in my mind in less than half a second. It's amazing what perspective you can gain when you step back from yourself even for just a half second to look in the reflection of a freezer case door. I don't know when it happened... I guess it happened sometime during all this waiting... but I became a grown up.
It hit me like a ton of bricks at around 6:30pm this past Monday. I left work with Riley and Joey in tow, picked up Mira from her after school program, then picked up Maddie from the Sievers' house. We went to Wendy's for a quick dinner and then ran next door to Walmart for "big groceries". I hate "big grocery" nights. Not as much as I used to, tho. I used to have to psyche myself up for days and make critical, detailed advanced preparations for this mission but now it's become old hat, as are many of the once-crisises that I now face head-on every day. Like any other "big grocery" night I placed Maddie in the front of the grocery cart and threatened the older three kids with various promises of pain and torture if they didn't behave. And we went on our way. There was no need to make a list, I knew I needed just about everything so I made my way to the back and worked my way forward.
Somewhere around the baking aisle, my ephiphany happened. I remembered that I had promised to bake chocolate chip scones for a friend and I hadn't thought to check my recipe before heading to the store. So, pushing the cart down the aisle and continuing my threats to the kids, I whipped out my Blackberry and scrolled through the list of ingredients on a recipe website I found. "OK, got everything but the buttermilk and I can make my own buttermilk." That's right. I know how to make buttermilk! Before I could get my phone back in my purse I heard the familiar "ding" and looked down to see that an email was also waiting for me. I love the world of modern technology!!! The email was from my friend Cortney, who coincidently happens to work for her sister who happens to be my realtor. That's right. My realtor. I'm in the process of buying my first home. The email informed me that she would be sending me some local listings for me to look at and she wanted to set up a time to start paperwork. It was at that moment that it began. I caught a glance at myself in the reflection of the door of the frozen foods case and I almsot didn't recognize myself. There, staring back at me, was a grown up. And I honestly, unashamedly liked what I saw. It was like looking into that freezer door reflection I was finally seeing myself... my NEW self for the first time. It wasn't the reflection of a frazzled, worn out, mess of a woman who couldn't tell up from down. It was a woman dressed in a cute denim jacket and khaki dress slacks, with cute brown sandal heels, a matching purse and curly hair in place. The woman in the reflection looked polished and professional. She had four well behaved children with her (one of them being the most angelic little baby girl). She was a great multi-tasker... answering emails, surfing the net, reviewing spelling words and explaining why her kids did NOT need four types of Poptarts to them while getting the groceries she needed. She was a mom and a professional and she looked like she was enjoying her life. She was a grown up.
Of course, all of these thoughts flooded and swirled in my mind in less than half a second. It's amazing what perspective you can gain when you step back from yourself even for just a half second to look in the reflection of a freezer case door. I don't know when it happened... I guess it happened sometime during all this waiting... but I became a grown up.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Be still and know that I am God
Picture this with me, if you will... there's this little girl. She's about 3-4 years old, long brown pig tails. Absolutely adorable. She's wearing a little courderoy jumper and striped tights and her little buckle shoes. It's her birthday. In front of her is a beautiful gift bag with big red and blue stars and giant yellow balloons on it. It's a birthday present. She knows that. And she knows that it's from her daddy. However, this special gift bag is sitting on the counter top and she's so small she can barely reach her nose up over the ledge much less be tall enough to see into the bag. But with all the energy and excitement that any 3 year old has on her birthday, this little girl is determined to see what special gift awaits her. Oh, she knows that she can't open the gift but she just wants to look. So, she stretches up on her tip toes, hands gripping the counter and she begins to try to scale the cabinet. Just when she thinks that her little shoes have gripped the cabinet face securely, she pushes herself up with everything she's got... Her father walks in just in time to see her bump her nose on the counter's edge as she fails at her attempt to discover what treasure lies in the bag. With his hands on his hips, her father tells her it's not time to open the gift yet and he walks away. But the little girl just can't resist the beautiful package. She knows that her daddy loves her very much and has faith that the gift inside the bag is absolutely amazing. So again, she pushes herself up on her tip toes, this time her legs are just bouncing with energy and she looks like she could take flight at any second. She reaches out a pudgey little hand to grab the bag but instead of getting closer, her little hand accidentally pushes the bag farther away. She pushes farther up on her toes, lifting one foot off the ground so she can lean in as hard as she can, stretching her arms as far as they'll go and finally her little finger grips the corner of the package and slides it back towards her. Her little legs still bouncing she tries to steady herself on her toes so she can grab the gift with both hands... just as her father walks back in the room. With one look at the little girl her daddy smiles and says, "Be still."
BE STILL?!?!?!?!?!? ha ha That little girl is ME!!!! I love Psalm 46:10. I really do!! It has calmed my heart on more than one occassion, but being still is sooooooooo against my nature sometimes. Not physically. Physically, I love being still. Bubble baths, massages, naps, resting on a porch swing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I love to be still! But my heart? My heart is always like that little girl's striped tights covered legs! My heart bounces. It bounces and stretches and some days I think it could take flight and fly right out of my chest! "Be still and know that I am God." Yes, but HOW? I know God is God. But how do I know God is God without bouncing? I know God has this beautiful gift bag and inside of it is my future. It's my tomorrow. It's my afternoon. It's my ten minutes from now. I trust that He will reveal to me each special treasure that awaits for me in that bag in His own PERFECT timing... but how do I keep my legs from bouncing and my pudgey little hands from reaching? How do I hold my heart still?? Somebody has to have written a book about this!! If they haven't, I'm going to beg God to reveal the answer to me and then I'll write a book on it!! "How To Calm Your Bouncing Heart"! ha ha
Right now I wait anxiously for the next chapter of my life to begin... knowing full well that YES, I need to make the most of the chapter that I'm in now. Knowing that doesn't keep my heart from bouncing. Today I paid my attorney $1,000 to begin writing up paperwork for a divorce I never wanted. For $1,000, I want to see the next chapter. (PS, note to self: go to law school and become an attorney. It pays well!) I guess the truth is that God has given me little glimpses into the next chapter, the problem is that I always want more. I want to know how. I want to know when. I want to know who and what and where. I want details. I hurry through each day in anticipation of the next one. How do I slow down? How do I stop bouncing? How do I "be still"?
I'm the National Director for Women At Rest- Military Edition. It's my job to help women learn how to trust God in the midst of their circumstances. To share with them the way God has carried me through the storms. To relay to them the peace that I've found in my life when I have curled up in the gigantic hands of God and allowed Him to hold me while I slumber. During storms, I can rest. During times of war, I can be still. I'm not anxious with fear. I'm anxious with anticipation of the good to come! For now, my little legs are bouncing and my pudgey hands are reaching. I know God has something wonderful in store!
BE STILL?!?!?!?!?!? ha ha That little girl is ME!!!! I love Psalm 46:10. I really do!! It has calmed my heart on more than one occassion, but being still is sooooooooo against my nature sometimes. Not physically. Physically, I love being still. Bubble baths, massages, naps, resting on a porch swing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I love to be still! But my heart? My heart is always like that little girl's striped tights covered legs! My heart bounces. It bounces and stretches and some days I think it could take flight and fly right out of my chest! "Be still and know that I am God." Yes, but HOW? I know God is God. But how do I know God is God without bouncing? I know God has this beautiful gift bag and inside of it is my future. It's my tomorrow. It's my afternoon. It's my ten minutes from now. I trust that He will reveal to me each special treasure that awaits for me in that bag in His own PERFECT timing... but how do I keep my legs from bouncing and my pudgey little hands from reaching? How do I hold my heart still?? Somebody has to have written a book about this!! If they haven't, I'm going to beg God to reveal the answer to me and then I'll write a book on it!! "How To Calm Your Bouncing Heart"! ha ha
Right now I wait anxiously for the next chapter of my life to begin... knowing full well that YES, I need to make the most of the chapter that I'm in now. Knowing that doesn't keep my heart from bouncing. Today I paid my attorney $1,000 to begin writing up paperwork for a divorce I never wanted. For $1,000, I want to see the next chapter. (PS, note to self: go to law school and become an attorney. It pays well!) I guess the truth is that God has given me little glimpses into the next chapter, the problem is that I always want more. I want to know how. I want to know when. I want to know who and what and where. I want details. I hurry through each day in anticipation of the next one. How do I slow down? How do I stop bouncing? How do I "be still"?
I'm the National Director for Women At Rest- Military Edition. It's my job to help women learn how to trust God in the midst of their circumstances. To share with them the way God has carried me through the storms. To relay to them the peace that I've found in my life when I have curled up in the gigantic hands of God and allowed Him to hold me while I slumber. During storms, I can rest. During times of war, I can be still. I'm not anxious with fear. I'm anxious with anticipation of the good to come! For now, my little legs are bouncing and my pudgey hands are reaching. I know God has something wonderful in store!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Messy
As I feared but prayed hard against... the divorce is getting messy. When I step back and look at what Rick's doing and the messes that he's created, I am surprised at how calm I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely frustrated and the question that keeps coming out of my mouth is "Why, why, why, why?" I don't understand how we got here. I don't understand why things have to be this way. But he's made his decisions. He's made very bad decisions. And now things are messy.
My biggest concern right now is finances, which is usually the case. I just want to be able to make the rent and pay the bills and buy some groceries. I can't do that on my salary alone and Rick is not being reliable. Not even close. But my God is. He ALWAYS is. Whether he changes the circumstances or works miracles through friends or acquaintances, He always provides. And so I trust Him. He's carried me this far. He's not dumping me now! And there's light at the end of the tunnel. I see that light. It's bright. It's beautiful. It's calming and it's exciting all at the same time. And as long as that light is shining, I know I can make it through the tunnel... no matter how long or how dark it may be.
My biggest concern right now is finances, which is usually the case. I just want to be able to make the rent and pay the bills and buy some groceries. I can't do that on my salary alone and Rick is not being reliable. Not even close. But my God is. He ALWAYS is. Whether he changes the circumstances or works miracles through friends or acquaintances, He always provides. And so I trust Him. He's carried me this far. He's not dumping me now! And there's light at the end of the tunnel. I see that light. It's bright. It's beautiful. It's calming and it's exciting all at the same time. And as long as that light is shining, I know I can make it through the tunnel... no matter how long or how dark it may be.
Friday, January 2, 2009
I'm In Better Hands Now
This morning as I pulled into the church parking lot, a familiar song came on the radio... but it took on new meaning. I love how my friend Stefi says, "God has a 'now word' for us each day." That's so true!! You can read the same passage of Scripture over and over each day and God can give you a "now word" each and every time. The same holds true with music for me. Music speaks to me in ways that I cannot explain. This morning I was listening to the lyrics of "In Better Hands" by Natalie Grant and I couldn't help but cry a little. Not sad tears... grateful tears. I know that in the past when Rick has left for even a week I've fallen apart. I didn't know who I was without him. I had no identity. But they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and over the past few years Rick has given me LOTS of opportunities for me to allow God to make me stronger. And He has. I give Him ALL the credit- all the honor and glory for being able to stand on my own two feet, knowing that with God, I'm in better hands now.
IN BETTER HANDS, by Natalie Grant
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
IN BETTER HANDS, by Natalie Grant
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Crash #1
I knew that the process of divorce would send me crashing a few times, despite an optomistic attitude and a hopeful heart. That's just the reality. It's amazing how quickly your attitude can change when you're tired, stressed, and your world's been turned upside down. Crash #1 has occured but I'm happy to report that there are no fatalities. Yesterday on Christmas Eve I headed into our 3-day-Christmas-celebration excited and "floating". Yes, yes, yes... you saw it coming. Crash! I guess it's to be expected. It's Christmas. Divorce stinks. There's nothing pretty about it. And trying to ignore how much it stinks does not make it stink any less. It is what it is. It stinks. Today was awkward to say the least. Rick and I have gotten along better in the past 24 hours than we have in ages. How do 2 people who get along so well end up in a divorce? I've never understood that. I still don't understand that? Why are we here? Today broke my heart because I saw how unneccessary our divorce really is. I see how incredibly happy we both could be... if he would just surrender to God.
Time to shake it off and go on with the day. Tomorrow's a new day and the day after that is another new day. New opportunities. New freedoms. New adventures. But I won't lie... today stinks.
Time to shake it off and go on with the day. Tomorrow's a new day and the day after that is another new day. New opportunities. New freedoms. New adventures. But I won't lie... today stinks.
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