Missing Him

I keep thinking that I need to come up with something deep or something interesting to write about this time that we're apart. I want to write something so that 5 years from now I can look back and see how awesome God is and marvel at what amazing things He's done. And I know that time will come. I know that these words will all become some part of my history. But I don't have anything amazing to say right now. Things are not bad. They are not good. They just are. And right now, more than anything, I just miss him.

Last night I heard a noise in the garage and I wanted so desperately for him to be there... to go investigate... to protect us. I looked around the kitchen and dining room for a suitable weapon... the broom? A pair of scissors? I convinced myself that what I heard was nothing and finally conjured up enough inner-strength to open the door to the garage and peek in. Of course, there was nothing. But that part of me that longs to be protected cried last night. I trust God to bring my husband home and I trust Him to care for me and love me and protect me like no human man ever could. But I also know that God created Eve for Adam... and Adam for Eve. He's placed it in my heart as a woman to desire being loved and cherished and protected by my husband.

Every trial has certain phases for me. I start off completely numb and in shock, followed immediately by complete devestation and hurt. Then anger steps in (in this case, it's anger at Satan). Then an overwhelming desire to fight emerges and I'm ready to conquer the situation. Rick moved out 4 weeks ago. I've gone through all of those phases and I'm in the perpetual waiting phase right now. And I just miss him. I know I'm ok on my own. I've been surprised (though I shouldn't be) that being a single mom this long hasn't killed me. It's actually been ok. It's not that I can't live without him. It's not even that I can't imagine life without him. I just miss him. And I pray that God's timing will be soon and that my husband will be back home with his family. We miss him.