Up and Down

I don't know exactly how to describe this waiting period, but "up and down" seems to about cover it. One day I'm anxious, the next my heart is still. One day I'm angry, the next day my heart breaks for my husband. One day I'm super-mom, the next day I can't don't think I can make it out of bed. Up and down. Last week I came down... and down, and down, and down. And I truly believe that if it weren't for the amazing friends that God placed in my life, I might still be in that very familiar downward spiral. But fortunately, God placed friends in my path at the right times and in the right places. Jaime, a friend from Westside who now lives in Alaska mailed me a book called "The Steadfast Heart." My heart cried the moment I read the cover. A steadfast heart. Not up and down. Steady. Secure. Steadfast. What a blessing! Then there's Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. We are so different yet have walked and continue to walk many of the same paths. "Two are better than one... if one falls the other can help him up." (Ecc 4:9-10). That's my Lisa verse. Lisa doesn't let me spiral out of control. She's been there. She keeps me from going there again. Then there's Tanya and Jennifer who listen to me whine, gripe, complain, cry... and they love me anyway. They're my outlet. They keep me from internalizing everything I feel. They let me be real. They let me exaggerate. Again... they love me anyway. What would I do without them?

Friday I almost quit. Not my job, my marriage. It wasn't that Rick had done anything outlandish. I just reached a point in my heart that I didn't think I could move forward. I felt tired. I felt like I just couldn't fight anymore and I wondered if I even wanted to. Lisa reminded me to just put one foot in front of the other and take it all back to God... what was HE asking me to do??? So, I went to cell group. And wouldn't you know it, out of the blue came a question in our group discussion and the next thing I knew God was encouraging me through my friends. He gave me what I needed to pick up my weighted foot and take one more step forward. At the end of the day, can we really ask for anything more? I know I do. I ask God to bring me to the end of the race each and every day. I want this journey to be over. I want it in my past. I want to be headed toward "Happily Ever After", not "Life On A SeeSaw". But... at least I know I have friends that will ride the ups and downs with me. Friends that won't let me stay on the down side. Friends that will jump hard on their end to lift me back up again.

I'm at a place right now where I just want to shake Rick. I want to tell him to get over himself and get back home where he belongs. I want to tell him that he needs God's salvation today and I want to lock him in a closet until he believes it. Obviously, it's not possible. Nor, is it even remotely a good idea. But it's what I WANT to do. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid that God won't give him that "one more chance" that Rick's holding out for. I'm afriad that Rick won't have that "someday" that he's waiting on to accept Christ.

I don't know what Rick is doing. I don't know what God is doing in his life. But I know what God is doing in mine. And as painful as the lessons are, I'm grateful for a God that loves me enough to teach them to me. And grateful for friends that will love me through it.