13 Days

I've been trying to update this blog since Thanksgiving and if it isn't my lack of time that's kept me from posting... it's been my lack of knowing what to post. The ups and downs have continued (most dramatically, might I add) and I haven't been able to catch my breath from the ride long enough to post about this leg of the adventure.

This past Friday Rick and I talked and once again, all seemed bleak. He said that if he moves back home he only really plans to co-exist and he wanted me to be ok with that. He said he has no desire for any kind of a real, deep, or intimate relationship. But he'd move back home if I still wanted him to. He said he was still fine with getting a divorce. So, I clenched the panic bar as I rode the roller coaster back down and I held on for dear life. Yesterday, we talked again. And of course, I rode the ride back up to the top of the next peak. Yesterday we talked about meeting in the middle. About his expectations and my expectations. And about reality.

It's really hard because while I know Prince Charming doesn't exist, I still truly believe with all my heart that it's not unreasonable to expect your husband to love you, to want to protect you, to defend you, to not want to see you hurt. Rick says that's not him and that I shouldn't expect those things from him. But how, as a woman with a fairy-tale heart, do I NOT expect those things from my husband? I'm coming to grips with the fact while these expectations may not be unrealistic for a wife to expect of her husband, they are unrealistic for me to expect of my husband.... right now, anyway. I do still hope and dream and pray for the day that he truly loves me, cherishes me and holds me close in his heart. I haven't given up on that possibility. I have hope.

Pastor Lindell preached last night from Psalm 25 about faith, hope and love and what was in my heart was confirmed last night. Faith is the trust you have in a trustworthy God, hope is you surrendering to Who you have faith in and love is what makes it all possible. When the problems in our marriage first surfaced 5 years ago, I knew that God was going to do something big. And He has been doing BIG BIG things in my life and in my marriage for the past 5 years. From the first time I hit my knees for my husband, my prayer has been "God, I want to do this your way." I'm not saying that I haven't had my moments of selfishness and utter stupidity where I've taken the reigns backs myself... and plundered right into the pit immediately after doing so. But the intent and goal of my heart is to be able to allow God full control over ME during this period. To act and say what HE wants of me. To follow the path that HE has laid for my life. Throughout all the ups and down from the good to the very worst of it, I've felt an assurance deep, deep in my heart that in the end, our marriage will be an amazing testament of God's faithfulness to us. I've felt a peace in that Rick will someday be the man God is calling him to be- therefore being the husband and father that the kids and I want and need so badly. Even when he called a divorce attorney back in 2005. Even when he moved out 3 months ago. Those incidents completely confused me because they didn't line up with what I have felt so strongly in my heart that God was telling me about my marriage... that it would hold. So far, 5 years later, it's still holding. Some days it's only holding by a thread... but it's holding.

I realize that I could tell Rick that I need a husband, not a roommate. And I realize that I have biblical grounds to let him leave. But I still feel that if I give up I'll be in direct disobedience to what God is telling me to do. I know that many people don't see it that way, but I have to follow what I truly believe God is telling me to do. I realize that Rick moving home is not the answer to my problems. For me, it feels more like I'm "buying time". It's allowing for more time for God to work in our marriage, to work in our hearts individually, to reveal Himself to Rick in a way that Rick will finally accept and embrace. I don't feel that God has given up on us and so I'm not about to give up on us. Him moving home is just a baby step. But God rushes towards us when we take tiny steps towards Him. I know, I've seen Him.

I also fully believe the Scriptures as it says that an unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife. I know I can't pray Rick into heaven. I know that I can't have enough faith for both of us. But I certainly believe that God's grace that is extended to me as His child also flows over onto my husband. I believe that a certain measure of His mercy also flows over to Rick- otherwise I'm quite certain God would have already had enough of him and "spit him out", if you will. My husband has mocked God and all but spat in His face. My fear has been that God WILL get fed up and just destroy him. I don't want my disobedience to God to in any way be the straw the broke the camels back, so to speak. I don't want the last five years to be for nothing. My heart refuses to believe that God will not be faithful in the promises He has made to me and I refuse to give up now. My own strength has been gone for years. Every ounce of strength I have comes from Christ alone, so who am I to give up? Who am I to tell the God of the Universe that His strength is not sufficient for me? Who am I to tell the One who has been so patient with me that I'm tired and don't feel like waiting around any longer?

Wow... I really wasn't expecting to say so much. I guess I do have alot on my heart and mind right now. I feel like with Rick preparing to come home, the battle is still only beginning. Satan took a cheap shot and tried to end our marriage quickly by removing Rick from his home. It didn't work. God wins. Satan looses. But Satan never backs away that easily. I'm preparing for the big guns. I'm preparing for battle like I've never seen. And somehow, I get the feeling that I'm the key player in this battle for my husband. 1 Peter 3:1 is heavy on my heart- that my husband will be won over without words by the behavior of his wife. That's a BIG stretch for me- I'm a woman of MANY words! :-) But what an opportunity!! I have an opportunity to grow and mature in Christ. To show my husband that I'm not asking him to do anything that I'm not doing. To develop areas of my character that are, let's say "less than pleasant". It's all a matter of perspective. I can look at this in a very lateral way and see only the situation and circumstances for what they are. Or I can look at this vertically and see that God is allowing this set of circumstances for a reason and resolve to rise to the challenge.

This blog entry has been a pep talk to myself, if nothing else. I have 13 days to prepare my heart for another stage of the battle. I have 13 days to pray over the house that my husband and I will make a home. In the past, 13 days would seem like an eternity. Now, 13 days just doesn't seem that bad.