All Things To Me

I know that God is (or can be, if we allow Him to be) all things to all people. This Sunday our Christmas Cantata sang all about the name of Jesus and just what that name means. Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel. He's our Father, our Brother, our Friend. I know that He is my rock and my fortress, my sword and my shield. He's all things. I know that. But He's never truly been all things TO ME.

I've always admired those men and women who rely on God to be their everything. Those missionaries in far off lands who don't even have a single person around them that speaks English. And they're so content to just be with God and be where He wants them. So, why is it that with all the comforts of my American house... with all the blessings of my American family... with all the support of my church and my friends.... why is it that I still have a hard time relying on God to be MY everything. I have an amazing eartly father yet my favorite way to think of God is to adore Him as my Abba Father. And yet... where there is this gigantic hole in my life... where there is no husband, no romancer, no adoration... where there's a hole in my heart, I still have a hard time relying on God to fill that space.

I can't even begin to put into words all the amazing, specific ways that God has intimately reached out and romanced my heart in the past few months. Sweet, special things that are just between me and Him. When then am I not content? Why is my heart still aching for my husband if God is enough? Why can't I let go? How do I become like all the women that I admire that are so in love with God that HE alone captures their heart? Am I being selfish for wanting more than all the love that the King of the Universe is giving me? And that brings me to another thought... why on earth did God create marriage relationships, anyway? Why did He create a place in a woman's heart that craves to be loved by a physical man? Why, why, why, why, why?

So, yes... today I am full of unanswerable questions. Well, unanswerable to me at the moment. I continue to read the book "A Steadfast Heart" each night before I go to bed. And each night God continues to give me a tiny little gem... something I need, something that soothes, something that calms. I wonder if I'm at all ready for Rick to move back home. I fear that I can't be the wife that he needs me to be. I want him home so badly but I don't want to make our situation worse. I don't feel that my heart is even capable yet of having no expectations of my husband. I don't have a clue how to take an emotional blow without showing signs of the pain. I want so desperately to focus on God alone and trust Him to show me how to deal with my husband. So, why is it so hard?

I think about the story of Abigail. I wish so badly that there were more information in some of these stories! Abigail was married to a horrible man named Nabal. God gave her a risky task which she obediently carried out. God struck Nabal dead and then she married David. Yes, that's a great story on how to be obedient, how to be courageous. But what about Abigail's heart? Did she love her husband? Did her heart ache for him to believe? Was she relieved when he died or did she mourn? How did she end up with a wicked husband in the first place? And what of her marriage before this big event? What of her heart? I don't know... I guess my heart has alot of questions right now. "OK, Lord... I see what you're asking me to do... BUT HOW?"

I'm certain He will show me. He will answer me. He will teach me. Not nearly as quickly as I'd like Him to... but I know that growth is a process. Sometimes a painful process. Last night Rick came over and spent a few hours with us and while I spent all day being excited about the upcoming evening, the evening itself proved painful. I want a husband. I want a family. I want someone who wants to be with me. I want someone who loves me. I don't want to be married to a Nabal. But I don't want my husband to be struck dead. Can't a Nabal just become a David? I mean, it happens all the time. Saul to Paul. Prison to Pastor. What if God's plan for me is like the plan He had for Abigail? What if Rick never will be the one for me... what if there's a David out there? I know that the outcome is not what matters... what matters is that I'm obedient right now. But what on earth do I do with my heart? My heart still has a lot to wonder.