I know that many of you at Westside were both surprised and overjoyed to see Rick by my side yesterday morning in the 9:45am Contemporary service. I asked Rick earlier in the week if he'd want to spend Sunday with us - go to church, come over for lunch, and hang out for the afternoon/evening. He worked all night Saturday night but still came with no sleep. Pastor John preached a sermon on forgiveness based off of a clip from the FIREPROOF movie. I think it touched both of us. Later he said that Pastor John kept looking right at him during the sermon. :-) I don't know if he was or not but I think the Holy Spirit was moving in Rick yesterday. We had a good afternoon together. Nothing special... just hanging out as a family. We joked that this was the date where I introduced him to my kids. :-) It was fun.
Lately I've noticed us both doing alot of things that the other has mentioned... little things that one of us has said we liked or wanted or needed. I can see that we're both really listening to each other. I mean REALLY listening to each other. And the cool thing is that when one of us listens and responds, the other acknowledges. It's healthy. It's strong. It's growing. We're building eachother up.
Halfway through Pastor John's service yesterday morning Rick leaned over and asked me out for Thursday night. I kinda like this dating thing! But it was very hard to say 'goodbye' again last night, for me. Especially because I have a cold. It was so nice having him at home all afternoon. We both catnapped on and off throughout the afternoon and it was so nice to know there was another adult there so that I could do that.
Several days ago Rick and I were talking about how him being gone is hard on us individually and as a family in various ways. I was sharing with him that part of me finds it really unfair that I have to be the parent 24/7 that disciplines them and makes them get their jammies on and won't let them eat in the living room. I'm the one always telling them "no" and I'm the one that has to hold them while they cry when they miss Daddy. Yet, he gets to take them to the park and bring them presents and be Super Dad. I didn't think that it really sunk in with him, or honestly, I wasn't sure that he cared. But he so proved me wrong yesterday. He bought the kids each a gift... and then bought them each one for me to give to them. He said that I was right and that it wasn't fair. He didn't want things to be unbalanced so he bought presents from both of us. That gesture meant so much to me. It showed me that he has been listening. It showed me that he cares about the general well-being of our family dynamic. It showed me that he cares about my feelings and my position as their mother. It meant alot to me.
So this Thursday night we're going out again and I can't wait. Each time we're together draws us closer together. And I'm praying that he'll be moving back home soon. The kids pray every night for him to come home and lately they've been praying that he would ask Jesus into his heart. They pick up on everything. And I know that God hears the prayers of our children and I pray that He will answer their pleas quickly.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Judgement House Night
I literally just got out of Rick's truck and walked into my office here at the church. We just finished touring Judgement House and Rick drove me around to the front so I could collect my things. What an intense night!
First of all, it was AMAZING to know that SO MANY people (in at least 6 different states) have been praying for Rick all evening. I cannot even tell you what that means to me. And God heard our prayers. And Rick felt them. As much as I wanted to see him slip his hand up in the closing room to accept Christ as his Savior, that didn't happen. BUT GOD... (there's ALWAYS a "But God", isn't there Stefi?!) BUT GOD still worked in Rick's life tonight and I'm excited to share this with you all.
Rick walked through each room with me throughout the tour. He joked around some. I knew he was trying not to take it seriously. I knew he thought he was too cool to be there. But during Scene 4 when Staci sat at her "husbands" bedside and her "kids" told their daddy goodbye, I noticed him being awfully twitchy. I knew what God was doing. By the time we got to the closing room, he had his arm around me and he held my hand. I was praying with everything in me that the arm around my shoulders would be raised and that he'd talk with one of the pastors tonight, but he didn't. As we walked outside he asked if we could talk. He asked if he could talk to me as my friend, not as the husband I've been "having problems with". :-) He said, "As your friend, I know that you were hoping something more would happen tonight. I could feel that vibe just bouncing off of you all night. Especially in the closing room. I know you're disappointed that I didn't raise my hand. But as your friend, I want to tell you not to give up."
He walked me to his truck so he could drive me around front, but we sat and talked first. He told me that he knew I wanted him to make that decision tonight and we talked about the risk of putting off something so important. He told me that he planned to come here tonight, walk through the play, and go home. Nothing more. But he said that's not what happened. He said that the play actually touched him. He said the scene with Staci and the kids actually brought up some emotion in him... something he didn't think he would feel. He told me that he never expected to go home tonight THINKING about anything. He said things may not have gone as I wanted them to tonight, but things didn't happen the way he expected them to go either. He said that he may not have rushed to a decision immediately tonight but that I shouldn't give up... it doesn't mean he won't make one.
Seeds were planted tonight. And they weren't planted just below the surface. They were planted deep within him... in a part of his heart that hasn't been touched in years. Your prayers were heard tonight. I told him about how many of you have been praying... how people that I don't even know have received my prayer request via a forwarded email from a friend of a friend and that people from Florida to California to Alaska have been praying for him tonight. He thought that was really cool and I know it touched his heart.
Please keep praying. God is still moving, still working. And I'm still trusting. Still believing. Still waiting.
First of all, it was AMAZING to know that SO MANY people (in at least 6 different states) have been praying for Rick all evening. I cannot even tell you what that means to me. And God heard our prayers. And Rick felt them. As much as I wanted to see him slip his hand up in the closing room to accept Christ as his Savior, that didn't happen. BUT GOD... (there's ALWAYS a "But God", isn't there Stefi?!) BUT GOD still worked in Rick's life tonight and I'm excited to share this with you all.
Rick walked through each room with me throughout the tour. He joked around some. I knew he was trying not to take it seriously. I knew he thought he was too cool to be there. But during Scene 4 when Staci sat at her "husbands" bedside and her "kids" told their daddy goodbye, I noticed him being awfully twitchy. I knew what God was doing. By the time we got to the closing room, he had his arm around me and he held my hand. I was praying with everything in me that the arm around my shoulders would be raised and that he'd talk with one of the pastors tonight, but he didn't. As we walked outside he asked if we could talk. He asked if he could talk to me as my friend, not as the husband I've been "having problems with". :-) He said, "As your friend, I know that you were hoping something more would happen tonight. I could feel that vibe just bouncing off of you all night. Especially in the closing room. I know you're disappointed that I didn't raise my hand. But as your friend, I want to tell you not to give up."
He walked me to his truck so he could drive me around front, but we sat and talked first. He told me that he knew I wanted him to make that decision tonight and we talked about the risk of putting off something so important. He told me that he planned to come here tonight, walk through the play, and go home. Nothing more. But he said that's not what happened. He said that the play actually touched him. He said the scene with Staci and the kids actually brought up some emotion in him... something he didn't think he would feel. He told me that he never expected to go home tonight THINKING about anything. He said things may not have gone as I wanted them to tonight, but things didn't happen the way he expected them to go either. He said that he may not have rushed to a decision immediately tonight but that I shouldn't give up... it doesn't mean he won't make one.
Seeds were planted tonight. And they weren't planted just below the surface. They were planted deep within him... in a part of his heart that hasn't been touched in years. Your prayers were heard tonight. I told him about how many of you have been praying... how people that I don't even know have received my prayer request via a forwarded email from a friend of a friend and that people from Florida to California to Alaska have been praying for him tonight. He thought that was really cool and I know it touched his heart.
Please keep praying. God is still moving, still working. And I'm still trusting. Still believing. Still waiting.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
654
This week is Judgement House...perhaps the most stressful, tiring, frustrating, crazy, busy, wonderful, glorious week at Westside. Last night was only the dress rehearsal and I'm already worn out. We still have Wed-Sat to go. But it's always worth it. This year's script is called "59 Minutes... Eternity is Less Than An Hour Away."
Tomorrow night, however, is extra special. Tomorrow night at 6:54pm Rick and I will be touring Judgement House together. I went through the tour last night and cried through most of it. One of the characters in this year's script is married to a Christian woman, but he is not saved. He goes to church with her sometimes but most of the time he works. His wife and kids want him to go with them this paticular morning but he blows them off. He says "Tell the kids I'll hug them this afternoon." Those words penetrated my heart. Those are the words that Rick speaks over the phone most evenings when he tells the kids goodnight. I don't know how many times in the past 4 weeks I've said, "You can hug daddy tomorrow." Later, in another scene, this character suffers a massive heart attack. His wife and children are called in to say goodbye. Watching my friend Staci sit at her "husband's" hospital bedside was eerily familiar. Watching her cry was painful. Watching her "children" come in to say 'goodbye' was heartwrenching. But what was devestating was hearing her "daughter" say "But Mommy, Daddy said he was going to take me to the park." See... that's Rick thing. Since he moved out 4 weeks ago, he takes the kids to the park. I felt like I was watching me and my own children around Rick's bedside. Knowing that Rick is lost makes this week seem so much more urgent. None of us know when we'll be facing our last 59 minutes.
I would like to ask anyone reading this if they would please be praying for Rick as he goes through Judgement House tomorrow (Thursday) night. If you can, stop what you're doing at 6:54pm and pray that the Holy Spirit would move upon him like never before. Pray against distractions. Pray against anything that Satan could use to keep Rick from giving his heart to God. Rick knows that hell is real. He even played the part of a demon in a similar drama back in St Louis. But his heart is cold. He's like the character "Jake" in this year's script in the fact that he thinks he's so cool, hell won't touch him. But we all know that's not true. Please pray that this drama will make heaven and hell real to Rick. That he won't be able to push this decision off any longer. I cannot stress enough the urgency that is in my heart for him to be saved. I'm praying that tomorrow will be the night.
Tomorrow night, however, is extra special. Tomorrow night at 6:54pm Rick and I will be touring Judgement House together. I went through the tour last night and cried through most of it. One of the characters in this year's script is married to a Christian woman, but he is not saved. He goes to church with her sometimes but most of the time he works. His wife and kids want him to go with them this paticular morning but he blows them off. He says "Tell the kids I'll hug them this afternoon." Those words penetrated my heart. Those are the words that Rick speaks over the phone most evenings when he tells the kids goodnight. I don't know how many times in the past 4 weeks I've said, "You can hug daddy tomorrow." Later, in another scene, this character suffers a massive heart attack. His wife and children are called in to say goodbye. Watching my friend Staci sit at her "husband's" hospital bedside was eerily familiar. Watching her cry was painful. Watching her "children" come in to say 'goodbye' was heartwrenching. But what was devestating was hearing her "daughter" say "But Mommy, Daddy said he was going to take me to the park." See... that's Rick thing. Since he moved out 4 weeks ago, he takes the kids to the park. I felt like I was watching me and my own children around Rick's bedside. Knowing that Rick is lost makes this week seem so much more urgent. None of us know when we'll be facing our last 59 minutes.
I would like to ask anyone reading this if they would please be praying for Rick as he goes through Judgement House tomorrow (Thursday) night. If you can, stop what you're doing at 6:54pm and pray that the Holy Spirit would move upon him like never before. Pray against distractions. Pray against anything that Satan could use to keep Rick from giving his heart to God. Rick knows that hell is real. He even played the part of a demon in a similar drama back in St Louis. But his heart is cold. He's like the character "Jake" in this year's script in the fact that he thinks he's so cool, hell won't touch him. But we all know that's not true. Please pray that this drama will make heaven and hell real to Rick. That he won't be able to push this decision off any longer. I cannot stress enough the urgency that is in my heart for him to be saved. I'm praying that tomorrow will be the night.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Missing Him
I keep thinking that I need to come up with something deep or something interesting to write about this time that we're apart. I want to write something so that 5 years from now I can look back and see how awesome God is and marvel at what amazing things He's done. And I know that time will come. I know that these words will all become some part of my history. But I don't have anything amazing to say right now. Things are not bad. They are not good. They just are. And right now, more than anything, I just miss him.
Last night I heard a noise in the garage and I wanted so desperately for him to be there... to go investigate... to protect us. I looked around the kitchen and dining room for a suitable weapon... the broom? A pair of scissors? I convinced myself that what I heard was nothing and finally conjured up enough inner-strength to open the door to the garage and peek in. Of course, there was nothing. But that part of me that longs to be protected cried last night. I trust God to bring my husband home and I trust Him to care for me and love me and protect me like no human man ever could. But I also know that God created Eve for Adam... and Adam for Eve. He's placed it in my heart as a woman to desire being loved and cherished and protected by my husband.
Every trial has certain phases for me. I start off completely numb and in shock, followed immediately by complete devestation and hurt. Then anger steps in (in this case, it's anger at Satan). Then an overwhelming desire to fight emerges and I'm ready to conquer the situation. Rick moved out 4 weeks ago. I've gone through all of those phases and I'm in the perpetual waiting phase right now. And I just miss him. I know I'm ok on my own. I've been surprised (though I shouldn't be) that being a single mom this long hasn't killed me. It's actually been ok. It's not that I can't live without him. It's not even that I can't imagine life without him. I just miss him. And I pray that God's timing will be soon and that my husband will be back home with his family. We miss him.
Last night I heard a noise in the garage and I wanted so desperately for him to be there... to go investigate... to protect us. I looked around the kitchen and dining room for a suitable weapon... the broom? A pair of scissors? I convinced myself that what I heard was nothing and finally conjured up enough inner-strength to open the door to the garage and peek in. Of course, there was nothing. But that part of me that longs to be protected cried last night. I trust God to bring my husband home and I trust Him to care for me and love me and protect me like no human man ever could. But I also know that God created Eve for Adam... and Adam for Eve. He's placed it in my heart as a woman to desire being loved and cherished and protected by my husband.
Every trial has certain phases for me. I start off completely numb and in shock, followed immediately by complete devestation and hurt. Then anger steps in (in this case, it's anger at Satan). Then an overwhelming desire to fight emerges and I'm ready to conquer the situation. Rick moved out 4 weeks ago. I've gone through all of those phases and I'm in the perpetual waiting phase right now. And I just miss him. I know I'm ok on my own. I've been surprised (though I shouldn't be) that being a single mom this long hasn't killed me. It's actually been ok. It's not that I can't live without him. It's not even that I can't imagine life without him. I just miss him. And I pray that God's timing will be soon and that my husband will be back home with his family. We miss him.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Our Date Night
Last night Rick and I went on our first "date". We had an amazing time. I wasn't really sure at the beginning of our date if there was any hope of the night being a good experience for us at all. When he picked me up he had just left a long, bad day at work and I heard about it all the way to Lebanon. He even said that if I had been a "real" first day he would have blown me off because he had a ton of work to do that night to get ready for work the next day. So I told him that I appreciated him not blowing me off and made a concious decision at that point to NOT be offended by anything he said. If our night was going to be ANYTHING special I knew it was going to take effort on my part NOT to be easily hurt or offended.
The restaurant I chose is called the Madison Street Grill. It's a cute little hole-in-the-wall place that reminded me alot of the restaurants we used to go to on The Hill in St Louis. They're known for their steaks and Rick really enjoyed his. We had a little table in the corner of the restaurant, all to ourselves. Even tho he mostly complained about his new job, we did have some great conversation. I was finally able to turn the conversation to "us" and at that point the evening picked up.
Dating him is turning out to be more fun than I ever thought it could be. Suddenly his "stupid" decision has become the most fun I've had in years. We talked and we laughed and we teased. He was even 'flirty' and I don't know when the last time was that I saw THAT side of him! While I still want him at home, helping the kids with their homework, making Joey get in bed and stay there, and just being there for me to talk to and enjoy spending time with... I'm seeing that this time of dating may become one of the healthiest experiences in our marriage. He told me last night that picking me up for a date was so different to him from being there all day in the normal ins and outs of life and getting ready for a date together. He said it's like unwrapping a gift on Christmas morning when you don't know what's inside verses unwrapping one you purchased yourself. That simple analogy meant alot to me! For him to compare me to a special Christmas gift was really special to me. Of course, married life is not all excitement and surprises like Christmas morning. But sometimes we need to go back to that place and fall in love all over again. I think I captured a small piece of Rick's heart last night. He commented several times on the way I looked last night- and it was an amazing feeling to know that I had caught his eye. That hasn't happened in quite some time. Things like eye contact and body language were more apparent last night than they have been in years. There was awkwardness in sharing the armrest in his truck and the excitement of him taking my hand. And on the ride home came the pounding heart beat and the wondering "Will he kiss me goodnight?" (PS~ I don't kiss and tell! :-) )But all of that was fun. It felt new. There was no anger present. Just two people enjoying being together... and a hint of love.
By the end of the evening, neither one of us wanted it to end. I wanted so badly to beg him to stay- to come home for good. But I know it has to be in his timing. So I just told him how much I respected him for leading our marriage and making this choice to date again. I told him that whenever he's ready to take our relationship to the next step, I'll be ready to follow his lead. I know that he knows how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut and just wait on him. I pray the wait isn't long- but I'd rather wait than miss a blessing like last night was.
The hardest part about last night was definitely saying goodbye. When we were teenagers we talked and dreamed about the day that we would be married and we wouldn't have to say 'goodbye' anymore. And yet I stood there with my husband, wanting to curl up in his arms and go to sleep, but I was saying 'goodbye' yet again. I have the same hope that I had when I was 18, tho... I have the hope that someday again soon I won't have to say 'goodbye' again.
The restaurant I chose is called the Madison Street Grill. It's a cute little hole-in-the-wall place that reminded me alot of the restaurants we used to go to on The Hill in St Louis. They're known for their steaks and Rick really enjoyed his. We had a little table in the corner of the restaurant, all to ourselves. Even tho he mostly complained about his new job, we did have some great conversation. I was finally able to turn the conversation to "us" and at that point the evening picked up.
Dating him is turning out to be more fun than I ever thought it could be. Suddenly his "stupid" decision has become the most fun I've had in years. We talked and we laughed and we teased. He was even 'flirty' and I don't know when the last time was that I saw THAT side of him! While I still want him at home, helping the kids with their homework, making Joey get in bed and stay there, and just being there for me to talk to and enjoy spending time with... I'm seeing that this time of dating may become one of the healthiest experiences in our marriage. He told me last night that picking me up for a date was so different to him from being there all day in the normal ins and outs of life and getting ready for a date together. He said it's like unwrapping a gift on Christmas morning when you don't know what's inside verses unwrapping one you purchased yourself. That simple analogy meant alot to me! For him to compare me to a special Christmas gift was really special to me. Of course, married life is not all excitement and surprises like Christmas morning. But sometimes we need to go back to that place and fall in love all over again. I think I captured a small piece of Rick's heart last night. He commented several times on the way I looked last night- and it was an amazing feeling to know that I had caught his eye. That hasn't happened in quite some time. Things like eye contact and body language were more apparent last night than they have been in years. There was awkwardness in sharing the armrest in his truck and the excitement of him taking my hand. And on the ride home came the pounding heart beat and the wondering "Will he kiss me goodnight?" (PS~ I don't kiss and tell! :-) )But all of that was fun. It felt new. There was no anger present. Just two people enjoying being together... and a hint of love.
By the end of the evening, neither one of us wanted it to end. I wanted so badly to beg him to stay- to come home for good. But I know it has to be in his timing. So I just told him how much I respected him for leading our marriage and making this choice to date again. I told him that whenever he's ready to take our relationship to the next step, I'll be ready to follow his lead. I know that he knows how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut and just wait on him. I pray the wait isn't long- but I'd rather wait than miss a blessing like last night was.
The hardest part about last night was definitely saying goodbye. When we were teenagers we talked and dreamed about the day that we would be married and we wouldn't have to say 'goodbye' anymore. And yet I stood there with my husband, wanting to curl up in his arms and go to sleep, but I was saying 'goodbye' yet again. I have the same hope that I had when I was 18, tho... I have the hope that someday again soon I won't have to say 'goodbye' again.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Welcome To The Wait
I have a family blog that I keep pictures on for everyone to see and enjoy. But this blog is for me. It's a place for me to come and take the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head and put them into formable words. It's a place to take my spaghetti and turn it into a waffle. :-) Those of you who have read that book know what I'm talking about. Anyway, this blog... again... is for me. It's my outlet. It's a place for me to come back to so I can remember where I was and where God is taking me. For those of you who know and patiently love me, you're welcome to come here and "check in" on me. Life is busy and it's hard to update each of you with how things are going.
So, the title of this blog is "While I'm Waiting". That's actually the name of a new song by John Waller. It was featured in the "Fireproof" movie and my heart so completely identifies with the lyrics of this song as well as the video clip from the movie, posted below. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my husband to come home. I'm waiting for him to love me. I'm waiting for him to know and love God. I'm waiting on God.... for without Him, none of the above can happen. And so I wait. And I actively wait. I worship while I wait and I praise while I wait and I serve while I wait. Most importantly, I love while I wait. I love my husband, I love my children and I love my God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc
So, the title of this blog is "While I'm Waiting". That's actually the name of a new song by John Waller. It was featured in the "Fireproof" movie and my heart so completely identifies with the lyrics of this song as well as the video clip from the movie, posted below. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my husband to come home. I'm waiting for him to love me. I'm waiting for him to know and love God. I'm waiting on God.... for without Him, none of the above can happen. And so I wait. And I actively wait. I worship while I wait and I praise while I wait and I serve while I wait. Most importantly, I love while I wait. I love my husband, I love my children and I love my God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc
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