Crash #1

I knew that the process of divorce would send me crashing a few times, despite an optomistic attitude and a hopeful heart. That's just the reality. It's amazing how quickly your attitude can change when you're tired, stressed, and your world's been turned upside down. Crash #1 has occured but I'm happy to report that there are no fatalities. Yesterday on Christmas Eve I headed into our 3-day-Christmas-celebration excited and "floating". Yes, yes, yes... you saw it coming. Crash! I guess it's to be expected. It's Christmas. Divorce stinks. There's nothing pretty about it. And trying to ignore how much it stinks does not make it stink any less. It is what it is. It stinks. Today was awkward to say the least. Rick and I have gotten along better in the past 24 hours than we have in ages. How do 2 people who get along so well end up in a divorce? I've never understood that. I still don't understand that? Why are we here? Today broke my heart because I saw how unneccessary our divorce really is. I see how incredibly happy we both could be... if he would just surrender to God.

Time to shake it off and go on with the day. Tomorrow's a new day and the day after that is another new day. New opportunities. New freedoms. New adventures. But I won't lie... today stinks.

The Beginning

I'm sure that people are starting to think I'm crazy. Because when a marriage you've prayed for and fought for so hard for so long comes to an end, you're supposed to grieve, to mourn, to cry. You're not "supposed" to laugh and smile and dream... but that seems to be all that I can do. I'm practically giddy! If you ever told me once in the past 10 years (including any day last week) that I'd be this happy after my marriage coming to an end, I'd tell you you're a crazy liar. Isn't God AMAZING?!?! Words cannot describe the happiness... no, the JOY that I have right now. My spirit is at peace. My heart feels secure. Life seems new and exciting. I've even been flirted with!... which I consider God's own little reminder that love does not have to be lost to me forever. Rick came over to talk last night about finances, custody, all those horrible things... and he couldn't stop staring at me. He said he's never seen me so happy. I think it almost broke his heart, to be honest. But he acknowledged that he saw hope in my eyes. He could sense the peace. I was incredibly honest with him about how I feel right now. I'm sorry that our marriage came to an end. I'm sorry that he doesn't want to be my husband. I still would do anything I could do if he wanted to make the marriage work- if he wanted to love me, if he wanted to love God. But he doesn't. And so him leaving actually brings a feeling of relief. My heart is not his to break anymore. And it is my prayer that God will restore any broken pieces of my heart so that I can give it fully and wholely to a "David" of my own someday. (And I'm already 30 so I'm hoping he's on his way already! ha ha) Everyone keeps telling me that they're so sorry.. and I'm sorry too that Rick chose that path that he chose... but I haven't felt such peace and contentment as I feel in my heart right now. I haven't felt such excitement about the future. And I know that the saying "God has a plan and a purpose for everything" may sound very cliche... but it's so so so so true. I trust His plan more than ever! And I can't wait to see the picture unfold. This is just the beginning.

The End

I've been trying to figure out all day how to write this. It's the last thing I've ever wanted to have to put into words. And forgive me, but it's easier to write it once than to repeat it over and over. I love the convenience of a mass-email!

I appreciate everyone's prayers for Rick and I, but we have reached the end of our marriage. He has decided that he does not wish to return home and the he no longer wants to be married. He will be filing for divorce after the new year. While I am sad and mourning the death of a marriage, I am filled with such peace. God worked an amazing thing in me this past week, preparing my heart and reawakening a part of it that had all but died. He gave me friends and wise counsel and "feelings" that I couldn't ignore regarding Rick's return home. This weekend God released me and assured me that if Rick wanted to leave, he should. And he did. I am dreading the process of the divorce itself but am anxious about what God has in store on the other side. God has a plan. It's a new plan. One that has been completely off my radar. And that is exciting in itself! A new adventure has begun!

I ask first and foremost that you pray for our children- Miracle, Riley, Joey and Madigan. We will tell them after Christmas. Second, I ask that you pray for God's provision- financially, for safety, for support and encouragement. Lastly, I ask you to continue praying for Rick. His heart is hard. And I fear that God is about to do business with him in a real way. He knows that is my fear and he laughs at it. Pray for him.

I deeply appreciate everyone's love, support and encouragement. I have amazing friends and family. To answer everyone's question- yes, I am staying in Waynesville. This is my home. This is my life. My job is here. My church is here. My heart is here, so this is where we will stay until God tells me otherwise.

Love,
Heather

All Things To Me

I know that God is (or can be, if we allow Him to be) all things to all people. This Sunday our Christmas Cantata sang all about the name of Jesus and just what that name means. Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel. He's our Father, our Brother, our Friend. I know that He is my rock and my fortress, my sword and my shield. He's all things. I know that. But He's never truly been all things TO ME.

I've always admired those men and women who rely on God to be their everything. Those missionaries in far off lands who don't even have a single person around them that speaks English. And they're so content to just be with God and be where He wants them. So, why is it that with all the comforts of my American house... with all the blessings of my American family... with all the support of my church and my friends.... why is it that I still have a hard time relying on God to be MY everything. I have an amazing eartly father yet my favorite way to think of God is to adore Him as my Abba Father. And yet... where there is this gigantic hole in my life... where there is no husband, no romancer, no adoration... where there's a hole in my heart, I still have a hard time relying on God to fill that space.

I can't even begin to put into words all the amazing, specific ways that God has intimately reached out and romanced my heart in the past few months. Sweet, special things that are just between me and Him. When then am I not content? Why is my heart still aching for my husband if God is enough? Why can't I let go? How do I become like all the women that I admire that are so in love with God that HE alone captures their heart? Am I being selfish for wanting more than all the love that the King of the Universe is giving me? And that brings me to another thought... why on earth did God create marriage relationships, anyway? Why did He create a place in a woman's heart that craves to be loved by a physical man? Why, why, why, why, why?

So, yes... today I am full of unanswerable questions. Well, unanswerable to me at the moment. I continue to read the book "A Steadfast Heart" each night before I go to bed. And each night God continues to give me a tiny little gem... something I need, something that soothes, something that calms. I wonder if I'm at all ready for Rick to move back home. I fear that I can't be the wife that he needs me to be. I want him home so badly but I don't want to make our situation worse. I don't feel that my heart is even capable yet of having no expectations of my husband. I don't have a clue how to take an emotional blow without showing signs of the pain. I want so desperately to focus on God alone and trust Him to show me how to deal with my husband. So, why is it so hard?

I think about the story of Abigail. I wish so badly that there were more information in some of these stories! Abigail was married to a horrible man named Nabal. God gave her a risky task which she obediently carried out. God struck Nabal dead and then she married David. Yes, that's a great story on how to be obedient, how to be courageous. But what about Abigail's heart? Did she love her husband? Did her heart ache for him to believe? Was she relieved when he died or did she mourn? How did she end up with a wicked husband in the first place? And what of her marriage before this big event? What of her heart? I don't know... I guess my heart has alot of questions right now. "OK, Lord... I see what you're asking me to do... BUT HOW?"

I'm certain He will show me. He will answer me. He will teach me. Not nearly as quickly as I'd like Him to... but I know that growth is a process. Sometimes a painful process. Last night Rick came over and spent a few hours with us and while I spent all day being excited about the upcoming evening, the evening itself proved painful. I want a husband. I want a family. I want someone who wants to be with me. I want someone who loves me. I don't want to be married to a Nabal. But I don't want my husband to be struck dead. Can't a Nabal just become a David? I mean, it happens all the time. Saul to Paul. Prison to Pastor. What if God's plan for me is like the plan He had for Abigail? What if Rick never will be the one for me... what if there's a David out there? I know that the outcome is not what matters... what matters is that I'm obedient right now. But what on earth do I do with my heart? My heart still has a lot to wonder.

13 Days

I've been trying to update this blog since Thanksgiving and if it isn't my lack of time that's kept me from posting... it's been my lack of knowing what to post. The ups and downs have continued (most dramatically, might I add) and I haven't been able to catch my breath from the ride long enough to post about this leg of the adventure.

This past Friday Rick and I talked and once again, all seemed bleak. He said that if he moves back home he only really plans to co-exist and he wanted me to be ok with that. He said he has no desire for any kind of a real, deep, or intimate relationship. But he'd move back home if I still wanted him to. He said he was still fine with getting a divorce. So, I clenched the panic bar as I rode the roller coaster back down and I held on for dear life. Yesterday, we talked again. And of course, I rode the ride back up to the top of the next peak. Yesterday we talked about meeting in the middle. About his expectations and my expectations. And about reality.

It's really hard because while I know Prince Charming doesn't exist, I still truly believe with all my heart that it's not unreasonable to expect your husband to love you, to want to protect you, to defend you, to not want to see you hurt. Rick says that's not him and that I shouldn't expect those things from him. But how, as a woman with a fairy-tale heart, do I NOT expect those things from my husband? I'm coming to grips with the fact while these expectations may not be unrealistic for a wife to expect of her husband, they are unrealistic for me to expect of my husband.... right now, anyway. I do still hope and dream and pray for the day that he truly loves me, cherishes me and holds me close in his heart. I haven't given up on that possibility. I have hope.

Pastor Lindell preached last night from Psalm 25 about faith, hope and love and what was in my heart was confirmed last night. Faith is the trust you have in a trustworthy God, hope is you surrendering to Who you have faith in and love is what makes it all possible. When the problems in our marriage first surfaced 5 years ago, I knew that God was going to do something big. And He has been doing BIG BIG things in my life and in my marriage for the past 5 years. From the first time I hit my knees for my husband, my prayer has been "God, I want to do this your way." I'm not saying that I haven't had my moments of selfishness and utter stupidity where I've taken the reigns backs myself... and plundered right into the pit immediately after doing so. But the intent and goal of my heart is to be able to allow God full control over ME during this period. To act and say what HE wants of me. To follow the path that HE has laid for my life. Throughout all the ups and down from the good to the very worst of it, I've felt an assurance deep, deep in my heart that in the end, our marriage will be an amazing testament of God's faithfulness to us. I've felt a peace in that Rick will someday be the man God is calling him to be- therefore being the husband and father that the kids and I want and need so badly. Even when he called a divorce attorney back in 2005. Even when he moved out 3 months ago. Those incidents completely confused me because they didn't line up with what I have felt so strongly in my heart that God was telling me about my marriage... that it would hold. So far, 5 years later, it's still holding. Some days it's only holding by a thread... but it's holding.

I realize that I could tell Rick that I need a husband, not a roommate. And I realize that I have biblical grounds to let him leave. But I still feel that if I give up I'll be in direct disobedience to what God is telling me to do. I know that many people don't see it that way, but I have to follow what I truly believe God is telling me to do. I realize that Rick moving home is not the answer to my problems. For me, it feels more like I'm "buying time". It's allowing for more time for God to work in our marriage, to work in our hearts individually, to reveal Himself to Rick in a way that Rick will finally accept and embrace. I don't feel that God has given up on us and so I'm not about to give up on us. Him moving home is just a baby step. But God rushes towards us when we take tiny steps towards Him. I know, I've seen Him.

I also fully believe the Scriptures as it says that an unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife. I know I can't pray Rick into heaven. I know that I can't have enough faith for both of us. But I certainly believe that God's grace that is extended to me as His child also flows over onto my husband. I believe that a certain measure of His mercy also flows over to Rick- otherwise I'm quite certain God would have already had enough of him and "spit him out", if you will. My husband has mocked God and all but spat in His face. My fear has been that God WILL get fed up and just destroy him. I don't want my disobedience to God to in any way be the straw the broke the camels back, so to speak. I don't want the last five years to be for nothing. My heart refuses to believe that God will not be faithful in the promises He has made to me and I refuse to give up now. My own strength has been gone for years. Every ounce of strength I have comes from Christ alone, so who am I to give up? Who am I to tell the God of the Universe that His strength is not sufficient for me? Who am I to tell the One who has been so patient with me that I'm tired and don't feel like waiting around any longer?

Wow... I really wasn't expecting to say so much. I guess I do have alot on my heart and mind right now. I feel like with Rick preparing to come home, the battle is still only beginning. Satan took a cheap shot and tried to end our marriage quickly by removing Rick from his home. It didn't work. God wins. Satan looses. But Satan never backs away that easily. I'm preparing for the big guns. I'm preparing for battle like I've never seen. And somehow, I get the feeling that I'm the key player in this battle for my husband. 1 Peter 3:1 is heavy on my heart- that my husband will be won over without words by the behavior of his wife. That's a BIG stretch for me- I'm a woman of MANY words! :-) But what an opportunity!! I have an opportunity to grow and mature in Christ. To show my husband that I'm not asking him to do anything that I'm not doing. To develop areas of my character that are, let's say "less than pleasant". It's all a matter of perspective. I can look at this in a very lateral way and see only the situation and circumstances for what they are. Or I can look at this vertically and see that God is allowing this set of circumstances for a reason and resolve to rise to the challenge.

This blog entry has been a pep talk to myself, if nothing else. I have 13 days to prepare my heart for another stage of the battle. I have 13 days to pray over the house that my husband and I will make a home. In the past, 13 days would seem like an eternity. Now, 13 days just doesn't seem that bad.

Up and Down

I don't know exactly how to describe this waiting period, but "up and down" seems to about cover it. One day I'm anxious, the next my heart is still. One day I'm angry, the next day my heart breaks for my husband. One day I'm super-mom, the next day I can't don't think I can make it out of bed. Up and down. Last week I came down... and down, and down, and down. And I truly believe that if it weren't for the amazing friends that God placed in my life, I might still be in that very familiar downward spiral. But fortunately, God placed friends in my path at the right times and in the right places. Jaime, a friend from Westside who now lives in Alaska mailed me a book called "The Steadfast Heart." My heart cried the moment I read the cover. A steadfast heart. Not up and down. Steady. Secure. Steadfast. What a blessing! Then there's Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. We are so different yet have walked and continue to walk many of the same paths. "Two are better than one... if one falls the other can help him up." (Ecc 4:9-10). That's my Lisa verse. Lisa doesn't let me spiral out of control. She's been there. She keeps me from going there again. Then there's Tanya and Jennifer who listen to me whine, gripe, complain, cry... and they love me anyway. They're my outlet. They keep me from internalizing everything I feel. They let me be real. They let me exaggerate. Again... they love me anyway. What would I do without them?

Friday I almost quit. Not my job, my marriage. It wasn't that Rick had done anything outlandish. I just reached a point in my heart that I didn't think I could move forward. I felt tired. I felt like I just couldn't fight anymore and I wondered if I even wanted to. Lisa reminded me to just put one foot in front of the other and take it all back to God... what was HE asking me to do??? So, I went to cell group. And wouldn't you know it, out of the blue came a question in our group discussion and the next thing I knew God was encouraging me through my friends. He gave me what I needed to pick up my weighted foot and take one more step forward. At the end of the day, can we really ask for anything more? I know I do. I ask God to bring me to the end of the race each and every day. I want this journey to be over. I want it in my past. I want to be headed toward "Happily Ever After", not "Life On A SeeSaw". But... at least I know I have friends that will ride the ups and downs with me. Friends that won't let me stay on the down side. Friends that will jump hard on their end to lift me back up again.

I'm at a place right now where I just want to shake Rick. I want to tell him to get over himself and get back home where he belongs. I want to tell him that he needs God's salvation today and I want to lock him in a closet until he believes it. Obviously, it's not possible. Nor, is it even remotely a good idea. But it's what I WANT to do. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid that God won't give him that "one more chance" that Rick's holding out for. I'm afriad that Rick won't have that "someday" that he's waiting on to accept Christ.

I don't know what Rick is doing. I don't know what God is doing in his life. But I know what God is doing in mine. And as painful as the lessons are, I'm grateful for a God that loves me enough to teach them to me. And grateful for friends that will love me through it.

Round 2

This week our family got a healthy dose of "Round 2"... continuing from last week's drama. Round 2 didn't bring a flooded kitchen or blown light. It brought the stomach flu!! We allllllllllll had it. All week. Tuesday night was so bad that at 1am I had to call Rick at 1:30am and ask him to come help. He wasn't thrilled to be woken up in the middle of the night but he saw how bad things were when he got to the house. There was no way I could take care of all of the sick kids while getting sick myself. It was a rough week but we survived it. And Rick stayed 2 nights to help us through.

The highlight of the week came on Monday and the low point hit last night. The stomach flu was just the all-consuming middle portion of our week. Monday night Rick sent me a text message with some of the sweetest words... some of the most sincere words I've heard from him in a long time. He said he missed me, and somedays he even thought he missed me as much as I miss him. That might not sound like a big deal to most wives but to me it was sooooooo HUGE. One of my deepest hurts the past 10 years has been that my husband never misses me. I miss him the moment that he walks out the door and he doesn't miss me after months of being gone. He's always pleaded that it's "normal" for a man to not miss his wife and I've always argued that it's not. It's hard not to feel like there's something terribly awful about you when your own husband doesn't ever miss you. So, to hear my husband voluntarily offer up that he misses me.... well, that did WONDERS to my self-esteem. And it felt very soothing to my heart. Again... another glimmer of hope. Another step forward. Another brick added to our new foundation.

The low point, as I mentioned, hit last night. Rick got a voice mail from Amy, a friend he was in LPN school with at Walter Reed in DC. Amy had married his good friend Kenny, who was also in that class. Amy was calling to tell Rick that Kenny had been killed. Not in Iraq, tho he had seen combat 8 times. He was murdered during a mugging at his apartment complex in DC. This hit Rick so hard. I'm praying that God will use this as sort of a wake up call for Rick.... a reminder that life is so short... a time for him to re-evaluate what is important in life... what's worth dying for and what's worth living for.

Another Glimmer of Hope

This has been the week of Murphy's Law demonstrated at it's finest- what can go wrong, will go wrong!... and has gone wrong! Monday I had problems at work. Tuesday the van's alternator went out while I was on the interstate driving Maddie to her pediatrician appointment in Lebanon (which is 30 miles away). I missed almost the entire day of work dealing with it. Fortunately Rick was able to replace it himself... and I reminded him that he's my hero. But that evening Mira sliced her finger open and Joey dumped powder in his eyes and was screaming hysterically at the same time I was trying to calm Maddie down (because she got her 4 month shots earlier that day). Then Obama won the election and it seemed that it was best to just go to bed and check off the day as one giant loss. Surely, Wednesday had to be better. But it wasn't! Wednesday morning the garbage disposal apparently backed up into my dishwasher and when I tried to open the dishwasher, I flooded our kitchen with nasty, dirty, HORRIBLE smelling water. It took every towel I had to sop it up... and the water kept coming. The landlord tried to blame me and I had to argue with him. When I got home, the dishwasher had been completely removed! I still don't know if it's being replaced or if I'm expected to live with a giant hole in my kitchen cabinets or what. But I wasn't happy. Then while flipping on the bathroom light, we heard a POP and we lost power to the bathroom, my room and my bathroom. After flipping every switch in the braker box TWICE I still couldn't get power back to those rooms. So, because Maddie's sick with a nasty cold and I wanted to keep her with me, I had to sleep on the living room couch so that I could actually SEE her. Rick and I talked it through and it lookds like we'll be looking for a new place to live. However, despite all these things falling down around me, there was ONE new glimmer of hope. As we discussed moving and finances and all those stressful topics, he did share with me he is hoping to be moved home by Christmas. He said he'll move home when it feels right and he doesn't know when that will be but he's kinda planning to be here before Christmas. Of all the horrible things that have happened this week, that one small statement from him gave me hope. Being a single parent has taken its toll on me this week and Rick has had to come to my rescue whether he wanted to or not. But having him home to share the load and share the resonsibility of raising these 4 beautiful children will be such a relief. And last night was the first time he's been willing to sit down and figure out finances with me in probably over a year. He hates putting things on paper. But last night he worked with me and although this month is tighter than I like, we can make it work. There may only be $50 for groceries, but I can make that stretch. We've had periods where we didn't even have that! So I was reminded again last night at how faithful God has been to me especially during this time that Rick has been gone. Yesterday, Pastor Lindell and I discussed how to explain a "miracle" to the kids in our Preschool Chapel. I said to tell them that a miracle is something AMAZING that only God can do. Well, when I look at my life right now, I realize that God is working miracles in me every day. To work full time, have lupus, get 4 kids to 4 different places every day, stay up half the night with a sick baby, fight landlords, mop up floods, break down on the interstate, fix boo-boos, get kids to basketball and cheer practice, pay the bills, buy the groceries.... and do it alone... and still survive... it's a miracle. And that itself gives me hope that I can survie, I can continue pressing forward... and I can do it with joy.

Easing Back In

This weekend was definitely a weekend of easing back in. Friday night was the Fall Family Festival and we spent the evening together as a family. Rick surprised me by saying he was coming to spend the day with us on Saturday. Voluntarily. Uninvited. No prompting. He just wanted to come. We couldn't find a sitter Saturday night for our "date night" so we opted to watch movies and hang out at home. It was nice. It was normal. It was being a family. On Saturday I told him that Mom had called and the entire extended family was going to be getting together at Grandma's house. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. It's great to see family... but it's family. ALOT of family. And that can be exhausting... especially for an infant. Immediately Rick asked me if I'd like him to go with me. I was quite surprised! I told him that I didn't know the date yet and he said to let him know and he'd try to be off. I told Rick that I really wasn't up for dealing with questions about "us" or getting all the hugs and sad smiles and the "we're praying for you"s. He understood and said he'd be there to help me avoid the uncomfortable conversations.

Rick brought over a movie to watch Sat night but we ended up taking a family walk around hte neighborhood, playing outside and watching stuff on TV. When I told him that I was sorry we didn't watch it he said "Well, we can watch it tomorrow. I plan on being here tomorrow, too." I can't even put into words how good it feels to have a husband who chooses to be with me. Who purposefully plans to spend time with me. Not just the kids. But with me! I'm sure many people think it's stupid and that I'm acting like a doormat... that I'm letting him do whatever he wants on his own terms. That I'm enabling him. But the truth of the matter is, I'm winning my husband over "without even speaking a word" as stated in 1 Peter. Do I have every right and am I justified to make my husband fulfill his side of the covenant or otherwise let him walk out the door? Absolutely! But I chose not to. I want him home. I want him to WANT to be home. I want to be the best wife I can be and love him like I've never loved him before... despite how he acts towards me. I used to say that I can't give 150% if he only gives 10%... but I found out that's not true. I can give 150% even if he gives me nothing in return. I made a vow to love, honor and obey him... regardless. And I take that vow very seriously. So, to others our situation might look really strange. But to me, it's an answer to prayer. It's peace knowing that I'm doing what God has told me to do. It's not taking even the tiniest things for granted and it's seeing hope in our marriage. More importantly, it's watching my husband see hope in our marriage and watching his heart grow toward home.

Sunday afternoon he came back over and we finally watched that movie. It was like we were in highschool again- sitting on the love seat together with his arm around me. The kids and I had to leave for church so I asked Rick to stay the night. I knew he had slides to prepare for work today so I suggested he go back to Tom's, get his laptop and his clothes and come back. I told him that it was an open invitation, I wouldn't ask again. And I wouldn't be upset if he didn't stay. I just knew he wanted to be there. I could feel that. And so I opened the opportunity for him. He came back over last night when we were back from church and stayed the night. It was so wonderful going to bes knowing we were all under the same roof. Feeling safe. Feeling together. Feeling complete.

Rick's not the kind of guy that will show up at the front door, bags in tow, with his arms wide open shouting, "Honey, I'm home!" For Rick, things have to be in his timing and under his control. I expect that he will move home gradually. I expect he'll pop in and out and leave a few things each time until he's completely moved back in. I expect that he will continue to take control over our marriage and our family, bit by bit and piece by piece... baby step by baby step. And I'm looking forward to it!

By My Side

I know that many of you at Westside were both surprised and overjoyed to see Rick by my side yesterday morning in the 9:45am Contemporary service. I asked Rick earlier in the week if he'd want to spend Sunday with us - go to church, come over for lunch, and hang out for the afternoon/evening. He worked all night Saturday night but still came with no sleep. Pastor John preached a sermon on forgiveness based off of a clip from the FIREPROOF movie. I think it touched both of us. Later he said that Pastor John kept looking right at him during the sermon. :-) I don't know if he was or not but I think the Holy Spirit was moving in Rick yesterday. We had a good afternoon together. Nothing special... just hanging out as a family. We joked that this was the date where I introduced him to my kids. :-) It was fun.

Lately I've noticed us both doing alot of things that the other has mentioned... little things that one of us has said we liked or wanted or needed. I can see that we're both really listening to each other. I mean REALLY listening to each other. And the cool thing is that when one of us listens and responds, the other acknowledges. It's healthy. It's strong. It's growing. We're building eachother up.

Halfway through Pastor John's service yesterday morning Rick leaned over and asked me out for Thursday night. I kinda like this dating thing! But it was very hard to say 'goodbye' again last night, for me. Especially because I have a cold. It was so nice having him at home all afternoon. We both catnapped on and off throughout the afternoon and it was so nice to know there was another adult there so that I could do that.

Several days ago Rick and I were talking about how him being gone is hard on us individually and as a family in various ways. I was sharing with him that part of me finds it really unfair that I have to be the parent 24/7 that disciplines them and makes them get their jammies on and won't let them eat in the living room. I'm the one always telling them "no" and I'm the one that has to hold them while they cry when they miss Daddy. Yet, he gets to take them to the park and bring them presents and be Super Dad. I didn't think that it really sunk in with him, or honestly, I wasn't sure that he cared. But he so proved me wrong yesterday. He bought the kids each a gift... and then bought them each one for me to give to them. He said that I was right and that it wasn't fair. He didn't want things to be unbalanced so he bought presents from both of us. That gesture meant so much to me. It showed me that he has been listening. It showed me that he cares about the general well-being of our family dynamic. It showed me that he cares about my feelings and my position as their mother. It meant alot to me.

So this Thursday night we're going out again and I can't wait. Each time we're together draws us closer together. And I'm praying that he'll be moving back home soon. The kids pray every night for him to come home and lately they've been praying that he would ask Jesus into his heart. They pick up on everything. And I know that God hears the prayers of our children and I pray that He will answer their pleas quickly.

Judgement House Night

I literally just got out of Rick's truck and walked into my office here at the church. We just finished touring Judgement House and Rick drove me around to the front so I could collect my things. What an intense night!

First of all, it was AMAZING to know that SO MANY people (in at least 6 different states) have been praying for Rick all evening. I cannot even tell you what that means to me. And God heard our prayers. And Rick felt them. As much as I wanted to see him slip his hand up in the closing room to accept Christ as his Savior, that didn't happen. BUT GOD... (there's ALWAYS a "But God", isn't there Stefi?!) BUT GOD still worked in Rick's life tonight and I'm excited to share this with you all.

Rick walked through each room with me throughout the tour. He joked around some. I knew he was trying not to take it seriously. I knew he thought he was too cool to be there. But during Scene 4 when Staci sat at her "husbands" bedside and her "kids" told their daddy goodbye, I noticed him being awfully twitchy. I knew what God was doing. By the time we got to the closing room, he had his arm around me and he held my hand. I was praying with everything in me that the arm around my shoulders would be raised and that he'd talk with one of the pastors tonight, but he didn't. As we walked outside he asked if we could talk. He asked if he could talk to me as my friend, not as the husband I've been "having problems with". :-) He said, "As your friend, I know that you were hoping something more would happen tonight. I could feel that vibe just bouncing off of you all night. Especially in the closing room. I know you're disappointed that I didn't raise my hand. But as your friend, I want to tell you not to give up."

He walked me to his truck so he could drive me around front, but we sat and talked first. He told me that he knew I wanted him to make that decision tonight and we talked about the risk of putting off something so important. He told me that he planned to come here tonight, walk through the play, and go home. Nothing more. But he said that's not what happened. He said that the play actually touched him. He said the scene with Staci and the kids actually brought up some emotion in him... something he didn't think he would feel. He told me that he never expected to go home tonight THINKING about anything. He said things may not have gone as I wanted them to tonight, but things didn't happen the way he expected them to go either. He said that he may not have rushed to a decision immediately tonight but that I shouldn't give up... it doesn't mean he won't make one.

Seeds were planted tonight. And they weren't planted just below the surface. They were planted deep within him... in a part of his heart that hasn't been touched in years. Your prayers were heard tonight. I told him about how many of you have been praying... how people that I don't even know have received my prayer request via a forwarded email from a friend of a friend and that people from Florida to California to Alaska have been praying for him tonight. He thought that was really cool and I know it touched his heart.

Please keep praying. God is still moving, still working. And I'm still trusting. Still believing. Still waiting.

654

This week is Judgement House...perhaps the most stressful, tiring, frustrating, crazy, busy, wonderful, glorious week at Westside. Last night was only the dress rehearsal and I'm already worn out. We still have Wed-Sat to go. But it's always worth it. This year's script is called "59 Minutes... Eternity is Less Than An Hour Away."

Tomorrow night, however, is extra special. Tomorrow night at 6:54pm Rick and I will be touring Judgement House together. I went through the tour last night and cried through most of it. One of the characters in this year's script is married to a Christian woman, but he is not saved. He goes to church with her sometimes but most of the time he works. His wife and kids want him to go with them this paticular morning but he blows them off. He says "Tell the kids I'll hug them this afternoon." Those words penetrated my heart. Those are the words that Rick speaks over the phone most evenings when he tells the kids goodnight. I don't know how many times in the past 4 weeks I've said, "You can hug daddy tomorrow." Later, in another scene, this character suffers a massive heart attack. His wife and children are called in to say goodbye. Watching my friend Staci sit at her "husband's" hospital bedside was eerily familiar. Watching her cry was painful. Watching her "children" come in to say 'goodbye' was heartwrenching. But what was devestating was hearing her "daughter" say "But Mommy, Daddy said he was going to take me to the park." See... that's Rick thing. Since he moved out 4 weeks ago, he takes the kids to the park. I felt like I was watching me and my own children around Rick's bedside. Knowing that Rick is lost makes this week seem so much more urgent. None of us know when we'll be facing our last 59 minutes.

I would like to ask anyone reading this if they would please be praying for Rick as he goes through Judgement House tomorrow (Thursday) night. If you can, stop what you're doing at 6:54pm and pray that the Holy Spirit would move upon him like never before. Pray against distractions. Pray against anything that Satan could use to keep Rick from giving his heart to God. Rick knows that hell is real. He even played the part of a demon in a similar drama back in St Louis. But his heart is cold. He's like the character "Jake" in this year's script in the fact that he thinks he's so cool, hell won't touch him. But we all know that's not true. Please pray that this drama will make heaven and hell real to Rick. That he won't be able to push this decision off any longer. I cannot stress enough the urgency that is in my heart for him to be saved. I'm praying that tomorrow will be the night.

Missing Him

I keep thinking that I need to come up with something deep or something interesting to write about this time that we're apart. I want to write something so that 5 years from now I can look back and see how awesome God is and marvel at what amazing things He's done. And I know that time will come. I know that these words will all become some part of my history. But I don't have anything amazing to say right now. Things are not bad. They are not good. They just are. And right now, more than anything, I just miss him.

Last night I heard a noise in the garage and I wanted so desperately for him to be there... to go investigate... to protect us. I looked around the kitchen and dining room for a suitable weapon... the broom? A pair of scissors? I convinced myself that what I heard was nothing and finally conjured up enough inner-strength to open the door to the garage and peek in. Of course, there was nothing. But that part of me that longs to be protected cried last night. I trust God to bring my husband home and I trust Him to care for me and love me and protect me like no human man ever could. But I also know that God created Eve for Adam... and Adam for Eve. He's placed it in my heart as a woman to desire being loved and cherished and protected by my husband.

Every trial has certain phases for me. I start off completely numb and in shock, followed immediately by complete devestation and hurt. Then anger steps in (in this case, it's anger at Satan). Then an overwhelming desire to fight emerges and I'm ready to conquer the situation. Rick moved out 4 weeks ago. I've gone through all of those phases and I'm in the perpetual waiting phase right now. And I just miss him. I know I'm ok on my own. I've been surprised (though I shouldn't be) that being a single mom this long hasn't killed me. It's actually been ok. It's not that I can't live without him. It's not even that I can't imagine life without him. I just miss him. And I pray that God's timing will be soon and that my husband will be back home with his family. We miss him.

Our Date Night

Last night Rick and I went on our first "date". We had an amazing time. I wasn't really sure at the beginning of our date if there was any hope of the night being a good experience for us at all. When he picked me up he had just left a long, bad day at work and I heard about it all the way to Lebanon. He even said that if I had been a "real" first day he would have blown me off because he had a ton of work to do that night to get ready for work the next day. So I told him that I appreciated him not blowing me off and made a concious decision at that point to NOT be offended by anything he said. If our night was going to be ANYTHING special I knew it was going to take effort on my part NOT to be easily hurt or offended.

The restaurant I chose is called the Madison Street Grill. It's a cute little hole-in-the-wall place that reminded me alot of the restaurants we used to go to on The Hill in St Louis. They're known for their steaks and Rick really enjoyed his. We had a little table in the corner of the restaurant, all to ourselves. Even tho he mostly complained about his new job, we did have some great conversation. I was finally able to turn the conversation to "us" and at that point the evening picked up.

Dating him is turning out to be more fun than I ever thought it could be. Suddenly his "stupid" decision has become the most fun I've had in years. We talked and we laughed and we teased. He was even 'flirty' and I don't know when the last time was that I saw THAT side of him! While I still want him at home, helping the kids with their homework, making Joey get in bed and stay there, and just being there for me to talk to and enjoy spending time with... I'm seeing that this time of dating may become one of the healthiest experiences in our marriage. He told me last night that picking me up for a date was so different to him from being there all day in the normal ins and outs of life and getting ready for a date together. He said it's like unwrapping a gift on Christmas morning when you don't know what's inside verses unwrapping one you purchased yourself. That simple analogy meant alot to me! For him to compare me to a special Christmas gift was really special to me. Of course, married life is not all excitement and surprises like Christmas morning. But sometimes we need to go back to that place and fall in love all over again. I think I captured a small piece of Rick's heart last night. He commented several times on the way I looked last night- and it was an amazing feeling to know that I had caught his eye. That hasn't happened in quite some time. Things like eye contact and body language were more apparent last night than they have been in years. There was awkwardness in sharing the armrest in his truck and the excitement of him taking my hand. And on the ride home came the pounding heart beat and the wondering "Will he kiss me goodnight?" (PS~ I don't kiss and tell! :-) )But all of that was fun. It felt new. There was no anger present. Just two people enjoying being together... and a hint of love.

By the end of the evening, neither one of us wanted it to end. I wanted so badly to beg him to stay- to come home for good. But I know it has to be in his timing. So I just told him how much I respected him for leading our marriage and making this choice to date again. I told him that whenever he's ready to take our relationship to the next step, I'll be ready to follow his lead. I know that he knows how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut and just wait on him. I pray the wait isn't long- but I'd rather wait than miss a blessing like last night was.

The hardest part about last night was definitely saying goodbye. When we were teenagers we talked and dreamed about the day that we would be married and we wouldn't have to say 'goodbye' anymore. And yet I stood there with my husband, wanting to curl up in his arms and go to sleep, but I was saying 'goodbye' yet again. I have the same hope that I had when I was 18, tho... I have the hope that someday again soon I won't have to say 'goodbye' again.

Welcome To The Wait

I have a family blog that I keep pictures on for everyone to see and enjoy. But this blog is for me. It's a place for me to come and take the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head and put them into formable words. It's a place to take my spaghetti and turn it into a waffle. :-) Those of you who have read that book know what I'm talking about. Anyway, this blog... again... is for me. It's my outlet. It's a place for me to come back to so I can remember where I was and where God is taking me. For those of you who know and patiently love me, you're welcome to come here and "check in" on me. Life is busy and it's hard to update each of you with how things are going.

So, the title of this blog is "While I'm Waiting". That's actually the name of a new song by John Waller. It was featured in the "Fireproof" movie and my heart so completely identifies with the lyrics of this song as well as the video clip from the movie, posted below. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my husband to come home. I'm waiting for him to love me. I'm waiting for him to know and love God. I'm waiting on God.... for without Him, none of the above can happen. And so I wait. And I actively wait. I worship while I wait and I praise while I wait and I serve while I wait. Most importantly, I love while I wait. I love my husband, I love my children and I love my God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc