My Deer Story

Since Rick moved out, when I'm clinging to God and asking Him to remind me that He loves me, He sends me a deer. It's a long story, but it's God's way of sending me a little love note. Just something special between He and I. Between the King of the Universe... and me, of all people. Me! Various times throughout the winter, especially during those times that I felt especially rejected or alone, I'd pray for Him to send me a deer and He always sent a magnificent buck. Running through my yard, along the side of the interstate, on the way to a friend's house... deer. Bucks. Beautiful creatures! A few times He sent deer without me asking... but ALWAYS, ALWAYS when I ask for a deer, He sends one.

Yesterday afternoon, with tears in my eyes I prayed and asked God for a deer. I told Him how sorry I am that I had forgotten Him as my first love. I told Him that I wanted Him back. I wanted to be His girl, first and foremost. It wasn't that I wasn't still with God, but that I had gotten distracted. I'd lost my focus. I begged Him to fill the hole in my heart. I asked Him to send a deer.

Last night as I was getting the kids' dinner together, I looked out the kitchen window and in the gravel, beyond the deck there was this baby deer. Just a few days old. The sweetest, most precious little fawn I've ever seen. I ran out on to the deck and started snapping pictures but then it occured to me that my little friend wasn't running away like I thought it should. I threw a rock near it and it didn't budge. Then I was afraid that it was hurt or sick. I called my friends, Jaime and Lisa and they came over immediately, ready to nurse it back to health. Just before they got there I walked closer to it and when I got about 3 feet away it jumped and ran. Poor thing couldn't figure out how to get out of my yard. It was too small to jump the fence. Lisa and Jaime helped shoo it in the right direction and it made it out the front gate, through a neighbor's yard and back into the woods.

I always call Tanya when God sends me a deer. Always. She always reminds me that the big magnificent buck is my King. When I called her and told her that God sent me a fawn instead of a buck this time she said, "Heather. That's YOU! You're that fawn!" She's right. I backed myself into a corner in my walk with God recently and I didn't know how to get out. I didn't want to get out! But I knew I couldn't stay where I was. I was just kinda.... stuck. Last night God sent me friends that weren't going to let me stay trapped. And I know He's doing that in my life. My biggest prayer the past few weeks has been "God, slam doors shut and open windows." Sometimes in life we tend to wander around and suddenly realize that we don't know how to get back to where we're supposed to be, the center of God's will. Whether we land ourselves in the middle of danger or just in the corner of someone's back yard, we're out of place if we're not smack in the center of God's will. We can't receive the nourishment we need. We can't grow. We can't thrive. Sometimes we need friends to shoo us out of the corner. I'm so, so, so very blessed to have friends like that! God has sent so many special people into my life that have ministered to my heart in ways that they don't even know. If you're reading this you're one of those people. And I love you!

Grown Up

I'm 30 years old. Almost 31. I've been married for ten years and will soon be divorced. I have four children. I have a steady, reliable full-time job.... no, I have a career. I have been to 8 foreign countries. I have raised my four kids on my own for 8 months now. I'm a responsible, dependable, reliable adult. But it wasn't until Monday that I realized... I'm a grown up now.

It hit me like a ton of bricks at around 6:30pm this past Monday. I left work with Riley and Joey in tow, picked up Mira from her after school program, then picked up Maddie from the Sievers' house. We went to Wendy's for a quick dinner and then ran next door to Walmart for "big groceries". I hate "big grocery" nights. Not as much as I used to, tho. I used to have to psyche myself up for days and make critical, detailed advanced preparations for this mission but now it's become old hat, as are many of the once-crisises that I now face head-on every day. Like any other "big grocery" night I placed Maddie in the front of the grocery cart and threatened the older three kids with various promises of pain and torture if they didn't behave. And we went on our way. There was no need to make a list, I knew I needed just about everything so I made my way to the back and worked my way forward.

Somewhere around the baking aisle, my ephiphany happened. I remembered that I had promised to bake chocolate chip scones for a friend and I hadn't thought to check my recipe before heading to the store. So, pushing the cart down the aisle and continuing my threats to the kids, I whipped out my Blackberry and scrolled through the list of ingredients on a recipe website I found. "OK, got everything but the buttermilk and I can make my own buttermilk." That's right. I know how to make buttermilk! Before I could get my phone back in my purse I heard the familiar "ding" and looked down to see that an email was also waiting for me. I love the world of modern technology!!! The email was from my friend Cortney, who coincidently happens to work for her sister who happens to be my realtor. That's right. My realtor. I'm in the process of buying my first home. The email informed me that she would be sending me some local listings for me to look at and she wanted to set up a time to start paperwork. It was at that moment that it began. I caught a glance at myself in the reflection of the door of the frozen foods case and I almsot didn't recognize myself. There, staring back at me, was a grown up. And I honestly, unashamedly liked what I saw. It was like looking into that freezer door reflection I was finally seeing myself... my NEW self for the first time. It wasn't the reflection of a frazzled, worn out, mess of a woman who couldn't tell up from down. It was a woman dressed in a cute denim jacket and khaki dress slacks, with cute brown sandal heels, a matching purse and curly hair in place. The woman in the reflection looked polished and professional. She had four well behaved children with her (one of them being the most angelic little baby girl). She was a great multi-tasker... answering emails, surfing the net, reviewing spelling words and explaining why her kids did NOT need four types of Poptarts to them while getting the groceries she needed. She was a mom and a professional and she looked like she was enjoying her life. She was a grown up.

Of course, all of these thoughts flooded and swirled in my mind in less than half a second. It's amazing what perspective you can gain when you step back from yourself even for just a half second to look in the reflection of a freezer case door. I don't know when it happened... I guess it happened sometime during all this waiting... but I became a grown up.