Up and Down

I don't know exactly how to describe this waiting period, but "up and down" seems to about cover it. One day I'm anxious, the next my heart is still. One day I'm angry, the next day my heart breaks for my husband. One day I'm super-mom, the next day I can't don't think I can make it out of bed. Up and down. Last week I came down... and down, and down, and down. And I truly believe that if it weren't for the amazing friends that God placed in my life, I might still be in that very familiar downward spiral. But fortunately, God placed friends in my path at the right times and in the right places. Jaime, a friend from Westside who now lives in Alaska mailed me a book called "The Steadfast Heart." My heart cried the moment I read the cover. A steadfast heart. Not up and down. Steady. Secure. Steadfast. What a blessing! Then there's Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. We are so different yet have walked and continue to walk many of the same paths. "Two are better than one... if one falls the other can help him up." (Ecc 4:9-10). That's my Lisa verse. Lisa doesn't let me spiral out of control. She's been there. She keeps me from going there again. Then there's Tanya and Jennifer who listen to me whine, gripe, complain, cry... and they love me anyway. They're my outlet. They keep me from internalizing everything I feel. They let me be real. They let me exaggerate. Again... they love me anyway. What would I do without them?

Friday I almost quit. Not my job, my marriage. It wasn't that Rick had done anything outlandish. I just reached a point in my heart that I didn't think I could move forward. I felt tired. I felt like I just couldn't fight anymore and I wondered if I even wanted to. Lisa reminded me to just put one foot in front of the other and take it all back to God... what was HE asking me to do??? So, I went to cell group. And wouldn't you know it, out of the blue came a question in our group discussion and the next thing I knew God was encouraging me through my friends. He gave me what I needed to pick up my weighted foot and take one more step forward. At the end of the day, can we really ask for anything more? I know I do. I ask God to bring me to the end of the race each and every day. I want this journey to be over. I want it in my past. I want to be headed toward "Happily Ever After", not "Life On A SeeSaw". But... at least I know I have friends that will ride the ups and downs with me. Friends that won't let me stay on the down side. Friends that will jump hard on their end to lift me back up again.

I'm at a place right now where I just want to shake Rick. I want to tell him to get over himself and get back home where he belongs. I want to tell him that he needs God's salvation today and I want to lock him in a closet until he believes it. Obviously, it's not possible. Nor, is it even remotely a good idea. But it's what I WANT to do. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid that God won't give him that "one more chance" that Rick's holding out for. I'm afriad that Rick won't have that "someday" that he's waiting on to accept Christ.

I don't know what Rick is doing. I don't know what God is doing in his life. But I know what God is doing in mine. And as painful as the lessons are, I'm grateful for a God that loves me enough to teach them to me. And grateful for friends that will love me through it.

Round 2

This week our family got a healthy dose of "Round 2"... continuing from last week's drama. Round 2 didn't bring a flooded kitchen or blown light. It brought the stomach flu!! We allllllllllll had it. All week. Tuesday night was so bad that at 1am I had to call Rick at 1:30am and ask him to come help. He wasn't thrilled to be woken up in the middle of the night but he saw how bad things were when he got to the house. There was no way I could take care of all of the sick kids while getting sick myself. It was a rough week but we survived it. And Rick stayed 2 nights to help us through.

The highlight of the week came on Monday and the low point hit last night. The stomach flu was just the all-consuming middle portion of our week. Monday night Rick sent me a text message with some of the sweetest words... some of the most sincere words I've heard from him in a long time. He said he missed me, and somedays he even thought he missed me as much as I miss him. That might not sound like a big deal to most wives but to me it was sooooooo HUGE. One of my deepest hurts the past 10 years has been that my husband never misses me. I miss him the moment that he walks out the door and he doesn't miss me after months of being gone. He's always pleaded that it's "normal" for a man to not miss his wife and I've always argued that it's not. It's hard not to feel like there's something terribly awful about you when your own husband doesn't ever miss you. So, to hear my husband voluntarily offer up that he misses me.... well, that did WONDERS to my self-esteem. And it felt very soothing to my heart. Again... another glimmer of hope. Another step forward. Another brick added to our new foundation.

The low point, as I mentioned, hit last night. Rick got a voice mail from Amy, a friend he was in LPN school with at Walter Reed in DC. Amy had married his good friend Kenny, who was also in that class. Amy was calling to tell Rick that Kenny had been killed. Not in Iraq, tho he had seen combat 8 times. He was murdered during a mugging at his apartment complex in DC. This hit Rick so hard. I'm praying that God will use this as sort of a wake up call for Rick.... a reminder that life is so short... a time for him to re-evaluate what is important in life... what's worth dying for and what's worth living for.

Another Glimmer of Hope

This has been the week of Murphy's Law demonstrated at it's finest- what can go wrong, will go wrong!... and has gone wrong! Monday I had problems at work. Tuesday the van's alternator went out while I was on the interstate driving Maddie to her pediatrician appointment in Lebanon (which is 30 miles away). I missed almost the entire day of work dealing with it. Fortunately Rick was able to replace it himself... and I reminded him that he's my hero. But that evening Mira sliced her finger open and Joey dumped powder in his eyes and was screaming hysterically at the same time I was trying to calm Maddie down (because she got her 4 month shots earlier that day). Then Obama won the election and it seemed that it was best to just go to bed and check off the day as one giant loss. Surely, Wednesday had to be better. But it wasn't! Wednesday morning the garbage disposal apparently backed up into my dishwasher and when I tried to open the dishwasher, I flooded our kitchen with nasty, dirty, HORRIBLE smelling water. It took every towel I had to sop it up... and the water kept coming. The landlord tried to blame me and I had to argue with him. When I got home, the dishwasher had been completely removed! I still don't know if it's being replaced or if I'm expected to live with a giant hole in my kitchen cabinets or what. But I wasn't happy. Then while flipping on the bathroom light, we heard a POP and we lost power to the bathroom, my room and my bathroom. After flipping every switch in the braker box TWICE I still couldn't get power back to those rooms. So, because Maddie's sick with a nasty cold and I wanted to keep her with me, I had to sleep on the living room couch so that I could actually SEE her. Rick and I talked it through and it lookds like we'll be looking for a new place to live. However, despite all these things falling down around me, there was ONE new glimmer of hope. As we discussed moving and finances and all those stressful topics, he did share with me he is hoping to be moved home by Christmas. He said he'll move home when it feels right and he doesn't know when that will be but he's kinda planning to be here before Christmas. Of all the horrible things that have happened this week, that one small statement from him gave me hope. Being a single parent has taken its toll on me this week and Rick has had to come to my rescue whether he wanted to or not. But having him home to share the load and share the resonsibility of raising these 4 beautiful children will be such a relief. And last night was the first time he's been willing to sit down and figure out finances with me in probably over a year. He hates putting things on paper. But last night he worked with me and although this month is tighter than I like, we can make it work. There may only be $50 for groceries, but I can make that stretch. We've had periods where we didn't even have that! So I was reminded again last night at how faithful God has been to me especially during this time that Rick has been gone. Yesterday, Pastor Lindell and I discussed how to explain a "miracle" to the kids in our Preschool Chapel. I said to tell them that a miracle is something AMAZING that only God can do. Well, when I look at my life right now, I realize that God is working miracles in me every day. To work full time, have lupus, get 4 kids to 4 different places every day, stay up half the night with a sick baby, fight landlords, mop up floods, break down on the interstate, fix boo-boos, get kids to basketball and cheer practice, pay the bills, buy the groceries.... and do it alone... and still survive... it's a miracle. And that itself gives me hope that I can survie, I can continue pressing forward... and I can do it with joy.

Easing Back In

This weekend was definitely a weekend of easing back in. Friday night was the Fall Family Festival and we spent the evening together as a family. Rick surprised me by saying he was coming to spend the day with us on Saturday. Voluntarily. Uninvited. No prompting. He just wanted to come. We couldn't find a sitter Saturday night for our "date night" so we opted to watch movies and hang out at home. It was nice. It was normal. It was being a family. On Saturday I told him that Mom had called and the entire extended family was going to be getting together at Grandma's house. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. It's great to see family... but it's family. ALOT of family. And that can be exhausting... especially for an infant. Immediately Rick asked me if I'd like him to go with me. I was quite surprised! I told him that I didn't know the date yet and he said to let him know and he'd try to be off. I told Rick that I really wasn't up for dealing with questions about "us" or getting all the hugs and sad smiles and the "we're praying for you"s. He understood and said he'd be there to help me avoid the uncomfortable conversations.

Rick brought over a movie to watch Sat night but we ended up taking a family walk around hte neighborhood, playing outside and watching stuff on TV. When I told him that I was sorry we didn't watch it he said "Well, we can watch it tomorrow. I plan on being here tomorrow, too." I can't even put into words how good it feels to have a husband who chooses to be with me. Who purposefully plans to spend time with me. Not just the kids. But with me! I'm sure many people think it's stupid and that I'm acting like a doormat... that I'm letting him do whatever he wants on his own terms. That I'm enabling him. But the truth of the matter is, I'm winning my husband over "without even speaking a word" as stated in 1 Peter. Do I have every right and am I justified to make my husband fulfill his side of the covenant or otherwise let him walk out the door? Absolutely! But I chose not to. I want him home. I want him to WANT to be home. I want to be the best wife I can be and love him like I've never loved him before... despite how he acts towards me. I used to say that I can't give 150% if he only gives 10%... but I found out that's not true. I can give 150% even if he gives me nothing in return. I made a vow to love, honor and obey him... regardless. And I take that vow very seriously. So, to others our situation might look really strange. But to me, it's an answer to prayer. It's peace knowing that I'm doing what God has told me to do. It's not taking even the tiniest things for granted and it's seeing hope in our marriage. More importantly, it's watching my husband see hope in our marriage and watching his heart grow toward home.

Sunday afternoon he came back over and we finally watched that movie. It was like we were in highschool again- sitting on the love seat together with his arm around me. The kids and I had to leave for church so I asked Rick to stay the night. I knew he had slides to prepare for work today so I suggested he go back to Tom's, get his laptop and his clothes and come back. I told him that it was an open invitation, I wouldn't ask again. And I wouldn't be upset if he didn't stay. I just knew he wanted to be there. I could feel that. And so I opened the opportunity for him. He came back over last night when we were back from church and stayed the night. It was so wonderful going to bes knowing we were all under the same roof. Feeling safe. Feeling together. Feeling complete.

Rick's not the kind of guy that will show up at the front door, bags in tow, with his arms wide open shouting, "Honey, I'm home!" For Rick, things have to be in his timing and under his control. I expect that he will move home gradually. I expect he'll pop in and out and leave a few things each time until he's completely moved back in. I expect that he will continue to take control over our marriage and our family, bit by bit and piece by piece... baby step by baby step. And I'm looking forward to it!