Crash #1

I knew that the process of divorce would send me crashing a few times, despite an optomistic attitude and a hopeful heart. That's just the reality. It's amazing how quickly your attitude can change when you're tired, stressed, and your world's been turned upside down. Crash #1 has occured but I'm happy to report that there are no fatalities. Yesterday on Christmas Eve I headed into our 3-day-Christmas-celebration excited and "floating". Yes, yes, yes... you saw it coming. Crash! I guess it's to be expected. It's Christmas. Divorce stinks. There's nothing pretty about it. And trying to ignore how much it stinks does not make it stink any less. It is what it is. It stinks. Today was awkward to say the least. Rick and I have gotten along better in the past 24 hours than we have in ages. How do 2 people who get along so well end up in a divorce? I've never understood that. I still don't understand that? Why are we here? Today broke my heart because I saw how unneccessary our divorce really is. I see how incredibly happy we both could be... if he would just surrender to God.

Time to shake it off and go on with the day. Tomorrow's a new day and the day after that is another new day. New opportunities. New freedoms. New adventures. But I won't lie... today stinks.

The Beginning

I'm sure that people are starting to think I'm crazy. Because when a marriage you've prayed for and fought for so hard for so long comes to an end, you're supposed to grieve, to mourn, to cry. You're not "supposed" to laugh and smile and dream... but that seems to be all that I can do. I'm practically giddy! If you ever told me once in the past 10 years (including any day last week) that I'd be this happy after my marriage coming to an end, I'd tell you you're a crazy liar. Isn't God AMAZING?!?! Words cannot describe the happiness... no, the JOY that I have right now. My spirit is at peace. My heart feels secure. Life seems new and exciting. I've even been flirted with!... which I consider God's own little reminder that love does not have to be lost to me forever. Rick came over to talk last night about finances, custody, all those horrible things... and he couldn't stop staring at me. He said he's never seen me so happy. I think it almost broke his heart, to be honest. But he acknowledged that he saw hope in my eyes. He could sense the peace. I was incredibly honest with him about how I feel right now. I'm sorry that our marriage came to an end. I'm sorry that he doesn't want to be my husband. I still would do anything I could do if he wanted to make the marriage work- if he wanted to love me, if he wanted to love God. But he doesn't. And so him leaving actually brings a feeling of relief. My heart is not his to break anymore. And it is my prayer that God will restore any broken pieces of my heart so that I can give it fully and wholely to a "David" of my own someday. (And I'm already 30 so I'm hoping he's on his way already! ha ha) Everyone keeps telling me that they're so sorry.. and I'm sorry too that Rick chose that path that he chose... but I haven't felt such peace and contentment as I feel in my heart right now. I haven't felt such excitement about the future. And I know that the saying "God has a plan and a purpose for everything" may sound very cliche... but it's so so so so true. I trust His plan more than ever! And I can't wait to see the picture unfold. This is just the beginning.

The End

I've been trying to figure out all day how to write this. It's the last thing I've ever wanted to have to put into words. And forgive me, but it's easier to write it once than to repeat it over and over. I love the convenience of a mass-email!

I appreciate everyone's prayers for Rick and I, but we have reached the end of our marriage. He has decided that he does not wish to return home and the he no longer wants to be married. He will be filing for divorce after the new year. While I am sad and mourning the death of a marriage, I am filled with such peace. God worked an amazing thing in me this past week, preparing my heart and reawakening a part of it that had all but died. He gave me friends and wise counsel and "feelings" that I couldn't ignore regarding Rick's return home. This weekend God released me and assured me that if Rick wanted to leave, he should. And he did. I am dreading the process of the divorce itself but am anxious about what God has in store on the other side. God has a plan. It's a new plan. One that has been completely off my radar. And that is exciting in itself! A new adventure has begun!

I ask first and foremost that you pray for our children- Miracle, Riley, Joey and Madigan. We will tell them after Christmas. Second, I ask that you pray for God's provision- financially, for safety, for support and encouragement. Lastly, I ask you to continue praying for Rick. His heart is hard. And I fear that God is about to do business with him in a real way. He knows that is my fear and he laughs at it. Pray for him.

I deeply appreciate everyone's love, support and encouragement. I have amazing friends and family. To answer everyone's question- yes, I am staying in Waynesville. This is my home. This is my life. My job is here. My church is here. My heart is here, so this is where we will stay until God tells me otherwise.

Love,
Heather

All Things To Me

I know that God is (or can be, if we allow Him to be) all things to all people. This Sunday our Christmas Cantata sang all about the name of Jesus and just what that name means. Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel. He's our Father, our Brother, our Friend. I know that He is my rock and my fortress, my sword and my shield. He's all things. I know that. But He's never truly been all things TO ME.

I've always admired those men and women who rely on God to be their everything. Those missionaries in far off lands who don't even have a single person around them that speaks English. And they're so content to just be with God and be where He wants them. So, why is it that with all the comforts of my American house... with all the blessings of my American family... with all the support of my church and my friends.... why is it that I still have a hard time relying on God to be MY everything. I have an amazing eartly father yet my favorite way to think of God is to adore Him as my Abba Father. And yet... where there is this gigantic hole in my life... where there is no husband, no romancer, no adoration... where there's a hole in my heart, I still have a hard time relying on God to fill that space.

I can't even begin to put into words all the amazing, specific ways that God has intimately reached out and romanced my heart in the past few months. Sweet, special things that are just between me and Him. When then am I not content? Why is my heart still aching for my husband if God is enough? Why can't I let go? How do I become like all the women that I admire that are so in love with God that HE alone captures their heart? Am I being selfish for wanting more than all the love that the King of the Universe is giving me? And that brings me to another thought... why on earth did God create marriage relationships, anyway? Why did He create a place in a woman's heart that craves to be loved by a physical man? Why, why, why, why, why?

So, yes... today I am full of unanswerable questions. Well, unanswerable to me at the moment. I continue to read the book "A Steadfast Heart" each night before I go to bed. And each night God continues to give me a tiny little gem... something I need, something that soothes, something that calms. I wonder if I'm at all ready for Rick to move back home. I fear that I can't be the wife that he needs me to be. I want him home so badly but I don't want to make our situation worse. I don't feel that my heart is even capable yet of having no expectations of my husband. I don't have a clue how to take an emotional blow without showing signs of the pain. I want so desperately to focus on God alone and trust Him to show me how to deal with my husband. So, why is it so hard?

I think about the story of Abigail. I wish so badly that there were more information in some of these stories! Abigail was married to a horrible man named Nabal. God gave her a risky task which she obediently carried out. God struck Nabal dead and then she married David. Yes, that's a great story on how to be obedient, how to be courageous. But what about Abigail's heart? Did she love her husband? Did her heart ache for him to believe? Was she relieved when he died or did she mourn? How did she end up with a wicked husband in the first place? And what of her marriage before this big event? What of her heart? I don't know... I guess my heart has alot of questions right now. "OK, Lord... I see what you're asking me to do... BUT HOW?"

I'm certain He will show me. He will answer me. He will teach me. Not nearly as quickly as I'd like Him to... but I know that growth is a process. Sometimes a painful process. Last night Rick came over and spent a few hours with us and while I spent all day being excited about the upcoming evening, the evening itself proved painful. I want a husband. I want a family. I want someone who wants to be with me. I want someone who loves me. I don't want to be married to a Nabal. But I don't want my husband to be struck dead. Can't a Nabal just become a David? I mean, it happens all the time. Saul to Paul. Prison to Pastor. What if God's plan for me is like the plan He had for Abigail? What if Rick never will be the one for me... what if there's a David out there? I know that the outcome is not what matters... what matters is that I'm obedient right now. But what on earth do I do with my heart? My heart still has a lot to wonder.

13 Days

I've been trying to update this blog since Thanksgiving and if it isn't my lack of time that's kept me from posting... it's been my lack of knowing what to post. The ups and downs have continued (most dramatically, might I add) and I haven't been able to catch my breath from the ride long enough to post about this leg of the adventure.

This past Friday Rick and I talked and once again, all seemed bleak. He said that if he moves back home he only really plans to co-exist and he wanted me to be ok with that. He said he has no desire for any kind of a real, deep, or intimate relationship. But he'd move back home if I still wanted him to. He said he was still fine with getting a divorce. So, I clenched the panic bar as I rode the roller coaster back down and I held on for dear life. Yesterday, we talked again. And of course, I rode the ride back up to the top of the next peak. Yesterday we talked about meeting in the middle. About his expectations and my expectations. And about reality.

It's really hard because while I know Prince Charming doesn't exist, I still truly believe with all my heart that it's not unreasonable to expect your husband to love you, to want to protect you, to defend you, to not want to see you hurt. Rick says that's not him and that I shouldn't expect those things from him. But how, as a woman with a fairy-tale heart, do I NOT expect those things from my husband? I'm coming to grips with the fact while these expectations may not be unrealistic for a wife to expect of her husband, they are unrealistic for me to expect of my husband.... right now, anyway. I do still hope and dream and pray for the day that he truly loves me, cherishes me and holds me close in his heart. I haven't given up on that possibility. I have hope.

Pastor Lindell preached last night from Psalm 25 about faith, hope and love and what was in my heart was confirmed last night. Faith is the trust you have in a trustworthy God, hope is you surrendering to Who you have faith in and love is what makes it all possible. When the problems in our marriage first surfaced 5 years ago, I knew that God was going to do something big. And He has been doing BIG BIG things in my life and in my marriage for the past 5 years. From the first time I hit my knees for my husband, my prayer has been "God, I want to do this your way." I'm not saying that I haven't had my moments of selfishness and utter stupidity where I've taken the reigns backs myself... and plundered right into the pit immediately after doing so. But the intent and goal of my heart is to be able to allow God full control over ME during this period. To act and say what HE wants of me. To follow the path that HE has laid for my life. Throughout all the ups and down from the good to the very worst of it, I've felt an assurance deep, deep in my heart that in the end, our marriage will be an amazing testament of God's faithfulness to us. I've felt a peace in that Rick will someday be the man God is calling him to be- therefore being the husband and father that the kids and I want and need so badly. Even when he called a divorce attorney back in 2005. Even when he moved out 3 months ago. Those incidents completely confused me because they didn't line up with what I have felt so strongly in my heart that God was telling me about my marriage... that it would hold. So far, 5 years later, it's still holding. Some days it's only holding by a thread... but it's holding.

I realize that I could tell Rick that I need a husband, not a roommate. And I realize that I have biblical grounds to let him leave. But I still feel that if I give up I'll be in direct disobedience to what God is telling me to do. I know that many people don't see it that way, but I have to follow what I truly believe God is telling me to do. I realize that Rick moving home is not the answer to my problems. For me, it feels more like I'm "buying time". It's allowing for more time for God to work in our marriage, to work in our hearts individually, to reveal Himself to Rick in a way that Rick will finally accept and embrace. I don't feel that God has given up on us and so I'm not about to give up on us. Him moving home is just a baby step. But God rushes towards us when we take tiny steps towards Him. I know, I've seen Him.

I also fully believe the Scriptures as it says that an unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife. I know I can't pray Rick into heaven. I know that I can't have enough faith for both of us. But I certainly believe that God's grace that is extended to me as His child also flows over onto my husband. I believe that a certain measure of His mercy also flows over to Rick- otherwise I'm quite certain God would have already had enough of him and "spit him out", if you will. My husband has mocked God and all but spat in His face. My fear has been that God WILL get fed up and just destroy him. I don't want my disobedience to God to in any way be the straw the broke the camels back, so to speak. I don't want the last five years to be for nothing. My heart refuses to believe that God will not be faithful in the promises He has made to me and I refuse to give up now. My own strength has been gone for years. Every ounce of strength I have comes from Christ alone, so who am I to give up? Who am I to tell the God of the Universe that His strength is not sufficient for me? Who am I to tell the One who has been so patient with me that I'm tired and don't feel like waiting around any longer?

Wow... I really wasn't expecting to say so much. I guess I do have alot on my heart and mind right now. I feel like with Rick preparing to come home, the battle is still only beginning. Satan took a cheap shot and tried to end our marriage quickly by removing Rick from his home. It didn't work. God wins. Satan looses. But Satan never backs away that easily. I'm preparing for the big guns. I'm preparing for battle like I've never seen. And somehow, I get the feeling that I'm the key player in this battle for my husband. 1 Peter 3:1 is heavy on my heart- that my husband will be won over without words by the behavior of his wife. That's a BIG stretch for me- I'm a woman of MANY words! :-) But what an opportunity!! I have an opportunity to grow and mature in Christ. To show my husband that I'm not asking him to do anything that I'm not doing. To develop areas of my character that are, let's say "less than pleasant". It's all a matter of perspective. I can look at this in a very lateral way and see only the situation and circumstances for what they are. Or I can look at this vertically and see that God is allowing this set of circumstances for a reason and resolve to rise to the challenge.

This blog entry has been a pep talk to myself, if nothing else. I have 13 days to prepare my heart for another stage of the battle. I have 13 days to pray over the house that my husband and I will make a home. In the past, 13 days would seem like an eternity. Now, 13 days just doesn't seem that bad.