Up and Down

I don't know exactly how to describe this waiting period, but "up and down" seems to about cover it. One day I'm anxious, the next my heart is still. One day I'm angry, the next day my heart breaks for my husband. One day I'm super-mom, the next day I can't don't think I can make it out of bed. Up and down. Last week I came down... and down, and down, and down. And I truly believe that if it weren't for the amazing friends that God placed in my life, I might still be in that very familiar downward spiral. But fortunately, God placed friends in my path at the right times and in the right places. Jaime, a friend from Westside who now lives in Alaska mailed me a book called "The Steadfast Heart." My heart cried the moment I read the cover. A steadfast heart. Not up and down. Steady. Secure. Steadfast. What a blessing! Then there's Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. We are so different yet have walked and continue to walk many of the same paths. "Two are better than one... if one falls the other can help him up." (Ecc 4:9-10). That's my Lisa verse. Lisa doesn't let me spiral out of control. She's been there. She keeps me from going there again. Then there's Tanya and Jennifer who listen to me whine, gripe, complain, cry... and they love me anyway. They're my outlet. They keep me from internalizing everything I feel. They let me be real. They let me exaggerate. Again... they love me anyway. What would I do without them?

Friday I almost quit. Not my job, my marriage. It wasn't that Rick had done anything outlandish. I just reached a point in my heart that I didn't think I could move forward. I felt tired. I felt like I just couldn't fight anymore and I wondered if I even wanted to. Lisa reminded me to just put one foot in front of the other and take it all back to God... what was HE asking me to do??? So, I went to cell group. And wouldn't you know it, out of the blue came a question in our group discussion and the next thing I knew God was encouraging me through my friends. He gave me what I needed to pick up my weighted foot and take one more step forward. At the end of the day, can we really ask for anything more? I know I do. I ask God to bring me to the end of the race each and every day. I want this journey to be over. I want it in my past. I want to be headed toward "Happily Ever After", not "Life On A SeeSaw". But... at least I know I have friends that will ride the ups and downs with me. Friends that won't let me stay on the down side. Friends that will jump hard on their end to lift me back up again.

I'm at a place right now where I just want to shake Rick. I want to tell him to get over himself and get back home where he belongs. I want to tell him that he needs God's salvation today and I want to lock him in a closet until he believes it. Obviously, it's not possible. Nor, is it even remotely a good idea. But it's what I WANT to do. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid that God won't give him that "one more chance" that Rick's holding out for. I'm afriad that Rick won't have that "someday" that he's waiting on to accept Christ.

I don't know what Rick is doing. I don't know what God is doing in his life. But I know what God is doing in mine. And as painful as the lessons are, I'm grateful for a God that loves me enough to teach them to me. And grateful for friends that will love me through it.

Round 2

This week our family got a healthy dose of "Round 2"... continuing from last week's drama. Round 2 didn't bring a flooded kitchen or blown light. It brought the stomach flu!! We allllllllllll had it. All week. Tuesday night was so bad that at 1am I had to call Rick at 1:30am and ask him to come help. He wasn't thrilled to be woken up in the middle of the night but he saw how bad things were when he got to the house. There was no way I could take care of all of the sick kids while getting sick myself. It was a rough week but we survived it. And Rick stayed 2 nights to help us through.

The highlight of the week came on Monday and the low point hit last night. The stomach flu was just the all-consuming middle portion of our week. Monday night Rick sent me a text message with some of the sweetest words... some of the most sincere words I've heard from him in a long time. He said he missed me, and somedays he even thought he missed me as much as I miss him. That might not sound like a big deal to most wives but to me it was sooooooo HUGE. One of my deepest hurts the past 10 years has been that my husband never misses me. I miss him the moment that he walks out the door and he doesn't miss me after months of being gone. He's always pleaded that it's "normal" for a man to not miss his wife and I've always argued that it's not. It's hard not to feel like there's something terribly awful about you when your own husband doesn't ever miss you. So, to hear my husband voluntarily offer up that he misses me.... well, that did WONDERS to my self-esteem. And it felt very soothing to my heart. Again... another glimmer of hope. Another step forward. Another brick added to our new foundation.

The low point, as I mentioned, hit last night. Rick got a voice mail from Amy, a friend he was in LPN school with at Walter Reed in DC. Amy had married his good friend Kenny, who was also in that class. Amy was calling to tell Rick that Kenny had been killed. Not in Iraq, tho he had seen combat 8 times. He was murdered during a mugging at his apartment complex in DC. This hit Rick so hard. I'm praying that God will use this as sort of a wake up call for Rick.... a reminder that life is so short... a time for him to re-evaluate what is important in life... what's worth dying for and what's worth living for.

Another Glimmer of Hope

This has been the week of Murphy's Law demonstrated at it's finest- what can go wrong, will go wrong!... and has gone wrong! Monday I had problems at work. Tuesday the van's alternator went out while I was on the interstate driving Maddie to her pediatrician appointment in Lebanon (which is 30 miles away). I missed almost the entire day of work dealing with it. Fortunately Rick was able to replace it himself... and I reminded him that he's my hero. But that evening Mira sliced her finger open and Joey dumped powder in his eyes and was screaming hysterically at the same time I was trying to calm Maddie down (because she got her 4 month shots earlier that day). Then Obama won the election and it seemed that it was best to just go to bed and check off the day as one giant loss. Surely, Wednesday had to be better. But it wasn't! Wednesday morning the garbage disposal apparently backed up into my dishwasher and when I tried to open the dishwasher, I flooded our kitchen with nasty, dirty, HORRIBLE smelling water. It took every towel I had to sop it up... and the water kept coming. The landlord tried to blame me and I had to argue with him. When I got home, the dishwasher had been completely removed! I still don't know if it's being replaced or if I'm expected to live with a giant hole in my kitchen cabinets or what. But I wasn't happy. Then while flipping on the bathroom light, we heard a POP and we lost power to the bathroom, my room and my bathroom. After flipping every switch in the braker box TWICE I still couldn't get power back to those rooms. So, because Maddie's sick with a nasty cold and I wanted to keep her with me, I had to sleep on the living room couch so that I could actually SEE her. Rick and I talked it through and it lookds like we'll be looking for a new place to live. However, despite all these things falling down around me, there was ONE new glimmer of hope. As we discussed moving and finances and all those stressful topics, he did share with me he is hoping to be moved home by Christmas. He said he'll move home when it feels right and he doesn't know when that will be but he's kinda planning to be here before Christmas. Of all the horrible things that have happened this week, that one small statement from him gave me hope. Being a single parent has taken its toll on me this week and Rick has had to come to my rescue whether he wanted to or not. But having him home to share the load and share the resonsibility of raising these 4 beautiful children will be such a relief. And last night was the first time he's been willing to sit down and figure out finances with me in probably over a year. He hates putting things on paper. But last night he worked with me and although this month is tighter than I like, we can make it work. There may only be $50 for groceries, but I can make that stretch. We've had periods where we didn't even have that! So I was reminded again last night at how faithful God has been to me especially during this time that Rick has been gone. Yesterday, Pastor Lindell and I discussed how to explain a "miracle" to the kids in our Preschool Chapel. I said to tell them that a miracle is something AMAZING that only God can do. Well, when I look at my life right now, I realize that God is working miracles in me every day. To work full time, have lupus, get 4 kids to 4 different places every day, stay up half the night with a sick baby, fight landlords, mop up floods, break down on the interstate, fix boo-boos, get kids to basketball and cheer practice, pay the bills, buy the groceries.... and do it alone... and still survive... it's a miracle. And that itself gives me hope that I can survie, I can continue pressing forward... and I can do it with joy.

Easing Back In

This weekend was definitely a weekend of easing back in. Friday night was the Fall Family Festival and we spent the evening together as a family. Rick surprised me by saying he was coming to spend the day with us on Saturday. Voluntarily. Uninvited. No prompting. He just wanted to come. We couldn't find a sitter Saturday night for our "date night" so we opted to watch movies and hang out at home. It was nice. It was normal. It was being a family. On Saturday I told him that Mom had called and the entire extended family was going to be getting together at Grandma's house. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. It's great to see family... but it's family. ALOT of family. And that can be exhausting... especially for an infant. Immediately Rick asked me if I'd like him to go with me. I was quite surprised! I told him that I didn't know the date yet and he said to let him know and he'd try to be off. I told Rick that I really wasn't up for dealing with questions about "us" or getting all the hugs and sad smiles and the "we're praying for you"s. He understood and said he'd be there to help me avoid the uncomfortable conversations.

Rick brought over a movie to watch Sat night but we ended up taking a family walk around hte neighborhood, playing outside and watching stuff on TV. When I told him that I was sorry we didn't watch it he said "Well, we can watch it tomorrow. I plan on being here tomorrow, too." I can't even put into words how good it feels to have a husband who chooses to be with me. Who purposefully plans to spend time with me. Not just the kids. But with me! I'm sure many people think it's stupid and that I'm acting like a doormat... that I'm letting him do whatever he wants on his own terms. That I'm enabling him. But the truth of the matter is, I'm winning my husband over "without even speaking a word" as stated in 1 Peter. Do I have every right and am I justified to make my husband fulfill his side of the covenant or otherwise let him walk out the door? Absolutely! But I chose not to. I want him home. I want him to WANT to be home. I want to be the best wife I can be and love him like I've never loved him before... despite how he acts towards me. I used to say that I can't give 150% if he only gives 10%... but I found out that's not true. I can give 150% even if he gives me nothing in return. I made a vow to love, honor and obey him... regardless. And I take that vow very seriously. So, to others our situation might look really strange. But to me, it's an answer to prayer. It's peace knowing that I'm doing what God has told me to do. It's not taking even the tiniest things for granted and it's seeing hope in our marriage. More importantly, it's watching my husband see hope in our marriage and watching his heart grow toward home.

Sunday afternoon he came back over and we finally watched that movie. It was like we were in highschool again- sitting on the love seat together with his arm around me. The kids and I had to leave for church so I asked Rick to stay the night. I knew he had slides to prepare for work today so I suggested he go back to Tom's, get his laptop and his clothes and come back. I told him that it was an open invitation, I wouldn't ask again. And I wouldn't be upset if he didn't stay. I just knew he wanted to be there. I could feel that. And so I opened the opportunity for him. He came back over last night when we were back from church and stayed the night. It was so wonderful going to bes knowing we were all under the same roof. Feeling safe. Feeling together. Feeling complete.

Rick's not the kind of guy that will show up at the front door, bags in tow, with his arms wide open shouting, "Honey, I'm home!" For Rick, things have to be in his timing and under his control. I expect that he will move home gradually. I expect he'll pop in and out and leave a few things each time until he's completely moved back in. I expect that he will continue to take control over our marriage and our family, bit by bit and piece by piece... baby step by baby step. And I'm looking forward to it!

By My Side

I know that many of you at Westside were both surprised and overjoyed to see Rick by my side yesterday morning in the 9:45am Contemporary service. I asked Rick earlier in the week if he'd want to spend Sunday with us - go to church, come over for lunch, and hang out for the afternoon/evening. He worked all night Saturday night but still came with no sleep. Pastor John preached a sermon on forgiveness based off of a clip from the FIREPROOF movie. I think it touched both of us. Later he said that Pastor John kept looking right at him during the sermon. :-) I don't know if he was or not but I think the Holy Spirit was moving in Rick yesterday. We had a good afternoon together. Nothing special... just hanging out as a family. We joked that this was the date where I introduced him to my kids. :-) It was fun.

Lately I've noticed us both doing alot of things that the other has mentioned... little things that one of us has said we liked or wanted or needed. I can see that we're both really listening to each other. I mean REALLY listening to each other. And the cool thing is that when one of us listens and responds, the other acknowledges. It's healthy. It's strong. It's growing. We're building eachother up.

Halfway through Pastor John's service yesterday morning Rick leaned over and asked me out for Thursday night. I kinda like this dating thing! But it was very hard to say 'goodbye' again last night, for me. Especially because I have a cold. It was so nice having him at home all afternoon. We both catnapped on and off throughout the afternoon and it was so nice to know there was another adult there so that I could do that.

Several days ago Rick and I were talking about how him being gone is hard on us individually and as a family in various ways. I was sharing with him that part of me finds it really unfair that I have to be the parent 24/7 that disciplines them and makes them get their jammies on and won't let them eat in the living room. I'm the one always telling them "no" and I'm the one that has to hold them while they cry when they miss Daddy. Yet, he gets to take them to the park and bring them presents and be Super Dad. I didn't think that it really sunk in with him, or honestly, I wasn't sure that he cared. But he so proved me wrong yesterday. He bought the kids each a gift... and then bought them each one for me to give to them. He said that I was right and that it wasn't fair. He didn't want things to be unbalanced so he bought presents from both of us. That gesture meant so much to me. It showed me that he has been listening. It showed me that he cares about the general well-being of our family dynamic. It showed me that he cares about my feelings and my position as their mother. It meant alot to me.

So this Thursday night we're going out again and I can't wait. Each time we're together draws us closer together. And I'm praying that he'll be moving back home soon. The kids pray every night for him to come home and lately they've been praying that he would ask Jesus into his heart. They pick up on everything. And I know that God hears the prayers of our children and I pray that He will answer their pleas quickly.

Judgement House Night

I literally just got out of Rick's truck and walked into my office here at the church. We just finished touring Judgement House and Rick drove me around to the front so I could collect my things. What an intense night!

First of all, it was AMAZING to know that SO MANY people (in at least 6 different states) have been praying for Rick all evening. I cannot even tell you what that means to me. And God heard our prayers. And Rick felt them. As much as I wanted to see him slip his hand up in the closing room to accept Christ as his Savior, that didn't happen. BUT GOD... (there's ALWAYS a "But God", isn't there Stefi?!) BUT GOD still worked in Rick's life tonight and I'm excited to share this with you all.

Rick walked through each room with me throughout the tour. He joked around some. I knew he was trying not to take it seriously. I knew he thought he was too cool to be there. But during Scene 4 when Staci sat at her "husbands" bedside and her "kids" told their daddy goodbye, I noticed him being awfully twitchy. I knew what God was doing. By the time we got to the closing room, he had his arm around me and he held my hand. I was praying with everything in me that the arm around my shoulders would be raised and that he'd talk with one of the pastors tonight, but he didn't. As we walked outside he asked if we could talk. He asked if he could talk to me as my friend, not as the husband I've been "having problems with". :-) He said, "As your friend, I know that you were hoping something more would happen tonight. I could feel that vibe just bouncing off of you all night. Especially in the closing room. I know you're disappointed that I didn't raise my hand. But as your friend, I want to tell you not to give up."

He walked me to his truck so he could drive me around front, but we sat and talked first. He told me that he knew I wanted him to make that decision tonight and we talked about the risk of putting off something so important. He told me that he planned to come here tonight, walk through the play, and go home. Nothing more. But he said that's not what happened. He said that the play actually touched him. He said the scene with Staci and the kids actually brought up some emotion in him... something he didn't think he would feel. He told me that he never expected to go home tonight THINKING about anything. He said things may not have gone as I wanted them to tonight, but things didn't happen the way he expected them to go either. He said that he may not have rushed to a decision immediately tonight but that I shouldn't give up... it doesn't mean he won't make one.

Seeds were planted tonight. And they weren't planted just below the surface. They were planted deep within him... in a part of his heart that hasn't been touched in years. Your prayers were heard tonight. I told him about how many of you have been praying... how people that I don't even know have received my prayer request via a forwarded email from a friend of a friend and that people from Florida to California to Alaska have been praying for him tonight. He thought that was really cool and I know it touched his heart.

Please keep praying. God is still moving, still working. And I'm still trusting. Still believing. Still waiting.

654

This week is Judgement House...perhaps the most stressful, tiring, frustrating, crazy, busy, wonderful, glorious week at Westside. Last night was only the dress rehearsal and I'm already worn out. We still have Wed-Sat to go. But it's always worth it. This year's script is called "59 Minutes... Eternity is Less Than An Hour Away."

Tomorrow night, however, is extra special. Tomorrow night at 6:54pm Rick and I will be touring Judgement House together. I went through the tour last night and cried through most of it. One of the characters in this year's script is married to a Christian woman, but he is not saved. He goes to church with her sometimes but most of the time he works. His wife and kids want him to go with them this paticular morning but he blows them off. He says "Tell the kids I'll hug them this afternoon." Those words penetrated my heart. Those are the words that Rick speaks over the phone most evenings when he tells the kids goodnight. I don't know how many times in the past 4 weeks I've said, "You can hug daddy tomorrow." Later, in another scene, this character suffers a massive heart attack. His wife and children are called in to say goodbye. Watching my friend Staci sit at her "husband's" hospital bedside was eerily familiar. Watching her cry was painful. Watching her "children" come in to say 'goodbye' was heartwrenching. But what was devestating was hearing her "daughter" say "But Mommy, Daddy said he was going to take me to the park." See... that's Rick thing. Since he moved out 4 weeks ago, he takes the kids to the park. I felt like I was watching me and my own children around Rick's bedside. Knowing that Rick is lost makes this week seem so much more urgent. None of us know when we'll be facing our last 59 minutes.

I would like to ask anyone reading this if they would please be praying for Rick as he goes through Judgement House tomorrow (Thursday) night. If you can, stop what you're doing at 6:54pm and pray that the Holy Spirit would move upon him like never before. Pray against distractions. Pray against anything that Satan could use to keep Rick from giving his heart to God. Rick knows that hell is real. He even played the part of a demon in a similar drama back in St Louis. But his heart is cold. He's like the character "Jake" in this year's script in the fact that he thinks he's so cool, hell won't touch him. But we all know that's not true. Please pray that this drama will make heaven and hell real to Rick. That he won't be able to push this decision off any longer. I cannot stress enough the urgency that is in my heart for him to be saved. I'm praying that tomorrow will be the night.