Be still and know that I am God

Picture this with me, if you will... there's this little girl. She's about 3-4 years old, long brown pig tails. Absolutely adorable. She's wearing a little courderoy jumper and striped tights and her little buckle shoes. It's her birthday. In front of her is a beautiful gift bag with big red and blue stars and giant yellow balloons on it. It's a birthday present. She knows that. And she knows that it's from her daddy. However, this special gift bag is sitting on the counter top and she's so small she can barely reach her nose up over the ledge much less be tall enough to see into the bag. But with all the energy and excitement that any 3 year old has on her birthday, this little girl is determined to see what special gift awaits her. Oh, she knows that she can't open the gift but she just wants to look. So, she stretches up on her tip toes, hands gripping the counter and she begins to try to scale the cabinet. Just when she thinks that her little shoes have gripped the cabinet face securely, she pushes herself up with everything she's got... Her father walks in just in time to see her bump her nose on the counter's edge as she fails at her attempt to discover what treasure lies in the bag. With his hands on his hips, her father tells her it's not time to open the gift yet and he walks away. But the little girl just can't resist the beautiful package. She knows that her daddy loves her very much and has faith that the gift inside the bag is absolutely amazing. So again, she pushes herself up on her tip toes, this time her legs are just bouncing with energy and she looks like she could take flight at any second. She reaches out a pudgey little hand to grab the bag but instead of getting closer, her little hand accidentally pushes the bag farther away. She pushes farther up on her toes, lifting one foot off the ground so she can lean in as hard as she can, stretching her arms as far as they'll go and finally her little finger grips the corner of the package and slides it back towards her. Her little legs still bouncing she tries to steady herself on her toes so she can grab the gift with both hands... just as her father walks back in the room. With one look at the little girl her daddy smiles and says, "Be still."

BE STILL?!?!?!?!?!? ha ha That little girl is ME!!!! I love Psalm 46:10. I really do!! It has calmed my heart on more than one occassion, but being still is sooooooooo against my nature sometimes. Not physically. Physically, I love being still. Bubble baths, massages, naps, resting on a porch swing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I love to be still! But my heart? My heart is always like that little girl's striped tights covered legs! My heart bounces. It bounces and stretches and some days I think it could take flight and fly right out of my chest! "Be still and know that I am God." Yes, but HOW? I know God is God. But how do I know God is God without bouncing? I know God has this beautiful gift bag and inside of it is my future. It's my tomorrow. It's my afternoon. It's my ten minutes from now. I trust that He will reveal to me each special treasure that awaits for me in that bag in His own PERFECT timing... but how do I keep my legs from bouncing and my pudgey little hands from reaching? How do I hold my heart still?? Somebody has to have written a book about this!! If they haven't, I'm going to beg God to reveal the answer to me and then I'll write a book on it!! "How To Calm Your Bouncing Heart"! ha ha

Right now I wait anxiously for the next chapter of my life to begin... knowing full well that YES, I need to make the most of the chapter that I'm in now. Knowing that doesn't keep my heart from bouncing. Today I paid my attorney $1,000 to begin writing up paperwork for a divorce I never wanted. For $1,000, I want to see the next chapter. (PS, note to self: go to law school and become an attorney. It pays well!) I guess the truth is that God has given me little glimpses into the next chapter, the problem is that I always want more. I want to know how. I want to know when. I want to know who and what and where. I want details. I hurry through each day in anticipation of the next one. How do I slow down? How do I stop bouncing? How do I "be still"?

I'm the National Director for Women At Rest- Military Edition. It's my job to help women learn how to trust God in the midst of their circumstances. To share with them the way God has carried me through the storms. To relay to them the peace that I've found in my life when I have curled up in the gigantic hands of God and allowed Him to hold me while I slumber. During storms, I can rest. During times of war, I can be still. I'm not anxious with fear. I'm anxious with anticipation of the good to come! For now, my little legs are bouncing and my pudgey hands are reaching. I know God has something wonderful in store!

Messy

As I feared but prayed hard against... the divorce is getting messy. When I step back and look at what Rick's doing and the messes that he's created, I am surprised at how calm I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely frustrated and the question that keeps coming out of my mouth is "Why, why, why, why?" I don't understand how we got here. I don't understand why things have to be this way. But he's made his decisions. He's made very bad decisions. And now things are messy.

My biggest concern right now is finances, which is usually the case. I just want to be able to make the rent and pay the bills and buy some groceries. I can't do that on my salary alone and Rick is not being reliable. Not even close. But my God is. He ALWAYS is. Whether he changes the circumstances or works miracles through friends or acquaintances, He always provides. And so I trust Him. He's carried me this far. He's not dumping me now! And there's light at the end of the tunnel. I see that light. It's bright. It's beautiful. It's calming and it's exciting all at the same time. And as long as that light is shining, I know I can make it through the tunnel... no matter how long or how dark it may be.

I'm In Better Hands Now

This morning as I pulled into the church parking lot, a familiar song came on the radio... but it took on new meaning. I love how my friend Stefi says, "God has a 'now word' for us each day." That's so true!! You can read the same passage of Scripture over and over each day and God can give you a "now word" each and every time. The same holds true with music for me. Music speaks to me in ways that I cannot explain. This morning I was listening to the lyrics of "In Better Hands" by Natalie Grant and I couldn't help but cry a little. Not sad tears... grateful tears. I know that in the past when Rick has left for even a week I've fallen apart. I didn't know who I was without him. I had no identity. But they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and over the past few years Rick has given me LOTS of opportunities for me to allow God to make me stronger. And He has. I give Him ALL the credit- all the honor and glory for being able to stand on my own two feet, knowing that with God, I'm in better hands now.

IN BETTER HANDS, by Natalie Grant

It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

Crash #1

I knew that the process of divorce would send me crashing a few times, despite an optomistic attitude and a hopeful heart. That's just the reality. It's amazing how quickly your attitude can change when you're tired, stressed, and your world's been turned upside down. Crash #1 has occured but I'm happy to report that there are no fatalities. Yesterday on Christmas Eve I headed into our 3-day-Christmas-celebration excited and "floating". Yes, yes, yes... you saw it coming. Crash! I guess it's to be expected. It's Christmas. Divorce stinks. There's nothing pretty about it. And trying to ignore how much it stinks does not make it stink any less. It is what it is. It stinks. Today was awkward to say the least. Rick and I have gotten along better in the past 24 hours than we have in ages. How do 2 people who get along so well end up in a divorce? I've never understood that. I still don't understand that? Why are we here? Today broke my heart because I saw how unneccessary our divorce really is. I see how incredibly happy we both could be... if he would just surrender to God.

Time to shake it off and go on with the day. Tomorrow's a new day and the day after that is another new day. New opportunities. New freedoms. New adventures. But I won't lie... today stinks.

The Beginning

I'm sure that people are starting to think I'm crazy. Because when a marriage you've prayed for and fought for so hard for so long comes to an end, you're supposed to grieve, to mourn, to cry. You're not "supposed" to laugh and smile and dream... but that seems to be all that I can do. I'm practically giddy! If you ever told me once in the past 10 years (including any day last week) that I'd be this happy after my marriage coming to an end, I'd tell you you're a crazy liar. Isn't God AMAZING?!?! Words cannot describe the happiness... no, the JOY that I have right now. My spirit is at peace. My heart feels secure. Life seems new and exciting. I've even been flirted with!... which I consider God's own little reminder that love does not have to be lost to me forever. Rick came over to talk last night about finances, custody, all those horrible things... and he couldn't stop staring at me. He said he's never seen me so happy. I think it almost broke his heart, to be honest. But he acknowledged that he saw hope in my eyes. He could sense the peace. I was incredibly honest with him about how I feel right now. I'm sorry that our marriage came to an end. I'm sorry that he doesn't want to be my husband. I still would do anything I could do if he wanted to make the marriage work- if he wanted to love me, if he wanted to love God. But he doesn't. And so him leaving actually brings a feeling of relief. My heart is not his to break anymore. And it is my prayer that God will restore any broken pieces of my heart so that I can give it fully and wholely to a "David" of my own someday. (And I'm already 30 so I'm hoping he's on his way already! ha ha) Everyone keeps telling me that they're so sorry.. and I'm sorry too that Rick chose that path that he chose... but I haven't felt such peace and contentment as I feel in my heart right now. I haven't felt such excitement about the future. And I know that the saying "God has a plan and a purpose for everything" may sound very cliche... but it's so so so so true. I trust His plan more than ever! And I can't wait to see the picture unfold. This is just the beginning.

The End

I've been trying to figure out all day how to write this. It's the last thing I've ever wanted to have to put into words. And forgive me, but it's easier to write it once than to repeat it over and over. I love the convenience of a mass-email!

I appreciate everyone's prayers for Rick and I, but we have reached the end of our marriage. He has decided that he does not wish to return home and the he no longer wants to be married. He will be filing for divorce after the new year. While I am sad and mourning the death of a marriage, I am filled with such peace. God worked an amazing thing in me this past week, preparing my heart and reawakening a part of it that had all but died. He gave me friends and wise counsel and "feelings" that I couldn't ignore regarding Rick's return home. This weekend God released me and assured me that if Rick wanted to leave, he should. And he did. I am dreading the process of the divorce itself but am anxious about what God has in store on the other side. God has a plan. It's a new plan. One that has been completely off my radar. And that is exciting in itself! A new adventure has begun!

I ask first and foremost that you pray for our children- Miracle, Riley, Joey and Madigan. We will tell them after Christmas. Second, I ask that you pray for God's provision- financially, for safety, for support and encouragement. Lastly, I ask you to continue praying for Rick. His heart is hard. And I fear that God is about to do business with him in a real way. He knows that is my fear and he laughs at it. Pray for him.

I deeply appreciate everyone's love, support and encouragement. I have amazing friends and family. To answer everyone's question- yes, I am staying in Waynesville. This is my home. This is my life. My job is here. My church is here. My heart is here, so this is where we will stay until God tells me otherwise.

Love,
Heather

All Things To Me

I know that God is (or can be, if we allow Him to be) all things to all people. This Sunday our Christmas Cantata sang all about the name of Jesus and just what that name means. Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel. He's our Father, our Brother, our Friend. I know that He is my rock and my fortress, my sword and my shield. He's all things. I know that. But He's never truly been all things TO ME.

I've always admired those men and women who rely on God to be their everything. Those missionaries in far off lands who don't even have a single person around them that speaks English. And they're so content to just be with God and be where He wants them. So, why is it that with all the comforts of my American house... with all the blessings of my American family... with all the support of my church and my friends.... why is it that I still have a hard time relying on God to be MY everything. I have an amazing eartly father yet my favorite way to think of God is to adore Him as my Abba Father. And yet... where there is this gigantic hole in my life... where there is no husband, no romancer, no adoration... where there's a hole in my heart, I still have a hard time relying on God to fill that space.

I can't even begin to put into words all the amazing, specific ways that God has intimately reached out and romanced my heart in the past few months. Sweet, special things that are just between me and Him. When then am I not content? Why is my heart still aching for my husband if God is enough? Why can't I let go? How do I become like all the women that I admire that are so in love with God that HE alone captures their heart? Am I being selfish for wanting more than all the love that the King of the Universe is giving me? And that brings me to another thought... why on earth did God create marriage relationships, anyway? Why did He create a place in a woman's heart that craves to be loved by a physical man? Why, why, why, why, why?

So, yes... today I am full of unanswerable questions. Well, unanswerable to me at the moment. I continue to read the book "A Steadfast Heart" each night before I go to bed. And each night God continues to give me a tiny little gem... something I need, something that soothes, something that calms. I wonder if I'm at all ready for Rick to move back home. I fear that I can't be the wife that he needs me to be. I want him home so badly but I don't want to make our situation worse. I don't feel that my heart is even capable yet of having no expectations of my husband. I don't have a clue how to take an emotional blow without showing signs of the pain. I want so desperately to focus on God alone and trust Him to show me how to deal with my husband. So, why is it so hard?

I think about the story of Abigail. I wish so badly that there were more information in some of these stories! Abigail was married to a horrible man named Nabal. God gave her a risky task which she obediently carried out. God struck Nabal dead and then she married David. Yes, that's a great story on how to be obedient, how to be courageous. But what about Abigail's heart? Did she love her husband? Did her heart ache for him to believe? Was she relieved when he died or did she mourn? How did she end up with a wicked husband in the first place? And what of her marriage before this big event? What of her heart? I don't know... I guess my heart has alot of questions right now. "OK, Lord... I see what you're asking me to do... BUT HOW?"

I'm certain He will show me. He will answer me. He will teach me. Not nearly as quickly as I'd like Him to... but I know that growth is a process. Sometimes a painful process. Last night Rick came over and spent a few hours with us and while I spent all day being excited about the upcoming evening, the evening itself proved painful. I want a husband. I want a family. I want someone who wants to be with me. I want someone who loves me. I don't want to be married to a Nabal. But I don't want my husband to be struck dead. Can't a Nabal just become a David? I mean, it happens all the time. Saul to Paul. Prison to Pastor. What if God's plan for me is like the plan He had for Abigail? What if Rick never will be the one for me... what if there's a David out there? I know that the outcome is not what matters... what matters is that I'm obedient right now. But what on earth do I do with my heart? My heart still has a lot to wonder.